whiplash;; silent film starlette

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dream sketchblog
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so i guess this is hello...
ashley/name
twenty/age
kc, missouri/locate
i like elliott smith still. that's all you should know.
i breathe life back into whiplash and it burns again.
yeah, one two three 4

a heart's settlement in the forest / Friday, December 11, 2009
i open this old book and its spine crackles with age, abused with the times and weather and its careless care. soon i will leave without saying a word out loud to anyone, and i will get in my car, and i will cash my paycheck, and i will drive and drive and drive. i will drive so my heart has something to remind it of, things and places, and so my heart can selfishly hurt and wrench without judgment. reach a crescendo of pain, pain i risked, and never hurt that much again.

i am not a fool. i have never told myself that. i walk around, giving my heart away to incredible people. that is what i do. if i continue, then my heart will be battered with experiences. if i stop and hold it to myself without budging, it will be safe and cold.

the reason why it hurts so much, the reason i cradle this old private space no monopoly or treason has ended, is because last night in my drunken boast of heart and joy, i thought of the one i loved, and i love them very much. i would do anything to be the foundation for them, and i would not shake or doubt, i would last and bathe them in the love they deserve from me. i took a chance. i risked it, like i've never risked it before. i never tell those i fall in love with i love them, it hurts too much to be rejected just by everyday people. but this does not make me foolish, in fact, i am quite proud that i had the courage to fail- though, deep down, i am weeping softly at the loss.

weeping because, despite the suggestion of being friends, i know my time has come to move on from this place. weeping because if he had accepted me i know my life would have adjusted to include him. but i see now that it doesn't, that his decision has set a path and he is not involved. i weep to God, i cry out and reach up to the Oneness and ask, why can i have not what i want the most? how can i be trying, and trying, and trying so hard to be a good person to spread my love and care and to be as kind as possible, even to the rude, even to the hateful. why am i never allowed this love, why must i always be so alone in my journey? the answer is fragments of comfort and patience. the answer wraps around me without a name, somewhat vague but obviously so, and it warms my heart up with pain and determination. the answer itself is not an answer, but a confirmation that my efforts, my love will not always be so rejected and strengthening. the answer tells me, you will not always be met with challenge, and your heart will not always be shaped for strength. the answer cries with me, because it understands the will it takes to guide myself through these times without selfish pity or anger.

and i walk on and i walk through. soon i will be packing my things and saying goodbye to this life i made for myself here, the love i gave here and the love given to me. my beautiful mistakes earned with blood and tears, and my quiet triumphs edging me forward. i will look back on this era and weep for the bigger picture it fits into. and i will smile through my tears and leave quietly, without notice or warning, not to cause pain but because i never truly leave.

02:52 p.m.

give them something to say / Saturday, February 7, 2009
let me tell you, as it stands, i occur in a completely wrong place at the exact wrong time. no miss.

although i would love to enjoy social events in the way others seem to, i am too jaded. too cynical. too strange to truly understand how they feel. i observe too much and i know it, because i get caught up in the observational lives of people, the looks.. the smiles. the gestures, the coy sexual tension that makes me want to vomit on someone's new shoes. girls have such a strange way of flirting, especially desperate or otherwise party girls.. so rough, so violent.

even in a dense cloud of smoke i could see through it all. and this mass of information being pulsed into my head makes me distracted, too preoccupied to continue in the situation other than outside of it. but people are so strange! these characteristics and cliches are so real, it's an interesting show to watch college students court each other and themselves.

it's always fascinating to watch people unwind in front of themselves. bring back around to some sort of truth. to hear what they're not saying. why don't they just say it? i don't give conversational handouts.

people think i'm just so quiet and reserved, but i'm just listening to catch wind of someone who has something to say. i listen, because not enough listen. i can't remember the last time someone was genuinely interested in me, wanted to get to know me. (so, i can, but it's too painful even for whiplash.) since no one has that interest, i project myself in a form i wish to find outside of myself, and i listen. i care. i want to know, what have you got to say for yourself?

cut through the idle chatter, the banter, the one liners strung out to dry. overused, overworn, conversation these days is rare in quality.

do you know, how much i would like to listen?

07:42 a.m.

trophy boy / Monday, January 26, 2009
1) there are times when i don't care about you. there are times when i want to forget you entirely. but then there are times where i find myself completely aware of the obvious, that i could never, and would never, attempt to shove away some of the most important memories i have. simple recollections of things that felt so unimportant for me to remember. smells, certainly. moments that i've formed into beautiful scenes inside my head viewed once in a while, relived and savored, however painful it might be. it's worth the ache. recalling the feelings, the sounds, the words shared. you never gave me much, but what you did give was potent in emotion.

what changed?

2) you taught me, most of all, what it meant to feel used. you also taught me what i wasn't, and who i never wanted again. you are a terrible lover, and ruined the fairest of the seasons. you fill me with regret and a tough lesson learned, a lesson that took me months to accept.

how could you be so cold, then have the mind to kiss me?

3) YOU make me tired.

03:35 a.m.

ghost in the dead machine / Tuesday, January 20, 2009
how in the hell am i ever going to become self sufficient?
people make it look so goddamn easy.

i decided that if i ever get to choose how i die, say i'm terminal someday, i want to drown in the ocean. i want to swim as far as i possibly can and get swept out to sea. i've nearly drowned before, i know what it's like. it's peaceful toward the end, right before you pass out and die. you get all warm and your body accepts its fate. your mouth locks up to hold the air in, and you pass out before inhaling water. it's not bad at all. of course the burning feeling in your lungs isn't quite enjoyable, but oh well. can't win them all.

i just don't like the idea of my body being viewed and then tossed into the ground like a sardine. i want my nutrients to seep into the earth and return. i didn't live this whole life just to be packed into a box, no sir.

if i don't get a job soon, i am going to turn into a rabid animal and terrorize my family. probably eat them. all this free time is making me restless and unlike myself, i feel annoying and such. i am hanging on by crappy photoshop drawings and new music. mere threads in this wind will never hold up. what's that you say? people? i don't know what that word means, you must have me mistaken for someone much more socially acceptable.

12:29 p.m.

in ear park / Saturday, January 17, 2009
sometimes i really miss being hopelessly depressed. selfishly wrapped up in my own problems and myself. as much as it drained me and hurt me, i secretly enjoyed it. deep down it gave me something i craved.

because in a world of empty promises and broken people disappointing me, being sad was a real emotion. something very real. something that consumed me, something i could trust to exist. i could always count on depression to be tangible, something i could hug and feel completely. everything else would slip through my fingers and disappear.

sometimes that dark place looks so comforting from here.

05:53 p.m.

Never odd or eveN / Saturday, January 17, 2009
in the dead of winter i provide solace from my loneliness by serenading my precious cat, Lucy, on my bed. i make up songs for her and play her the guitar. she is a musical cat. she purrs and purrs. i sing about how much i love her, and how she is my best friend. i want to fill up our time together with lots of love and affection and music, because i will be moving out of this house soon.

the idea of leaving her here, without anyone to cuddle with, being chased by dogs and hiding all day, prowling around at night alone without her buddy to bug and scratch at the door to... it makes me really sad. she deserves better. she's such a great little cat. she really is. i'm going to miss her immensely, more than i think i realize now.

she makes me feel special. she just loves on me and doesn't hide how she feels about me. i don't mean special as in different or unique, just cared for. i hope someday someone will make me feel this way. i hope someday i'll be able to find a person who makes me feel special, someone who cares a lot about me, someone true to themselves and true to me. someone like a cat. honest, unashamed, affectionate, with bright eyes. eyes say so much. i love eyes that burn through me, i love that feeling. the intensity of a gaze can give me an adrenaline rush. i like it that way. burn, burn, burn, bright and right through mine. and i will burn back at you.

i have ultimately come to the conclusion that i am overtly sexual and it degrades my character and weakens my integrity. but not because sex is bad. definitely not the case. i just find it much more meaningful when i control my thoughts, of others, of things past. i feel respect in what i think of is important. i have a foul, dirty dirty mind. it's not disgusting in there, nothing terrible, but the lights are always red and the thoughts are always purple.

but there's nothing like that feeling. hold on to it. like flames engulfing me, i can feel them licking up off my spine. kundalini, perhaps? it grows more and more, surprisingly, when i intend to control myself. lots of energy stored up inside of me now. but the feeling! like swirling universes in my stomach, and the way i can feel ripples of vibrating cells with each touch, like dipping fingers into a still pool. spreads out and bounces, reflects, magnifies on its pathway. the entire body wakes up, it seems, maxes out. harmony, that's a good way to describe it. sex is not dirty and wrong. sex is not about that, that's just what they want you to think. sex is about wavelengths and vibrations. harmonizing with each other like instruments. humming the same kind of tune. breathing and living and being in the same moment, the same song, the same chord, the same strings. your bodies are just bodies. it doesn't matter how they connect. it's deeper than that. body parts is not the key that connects, no sir, maybe in a different realm. but not our realm.

could i ever be the person who makes the right choices for herself?
makes sound moves?
i was never good at chess and games of wit.

i'd much rather enjoy watching it all unfold. the bigger picture, baby, that's what i can show you.

do you need love? happiness? a break? a breath? some mints? possibly a new perspective? i'm your girl, and you know it. you definitely can gather that.

06:18 a.m.

no no no / Friday, December 29, 2006
bad timing. such bad timing!

it's just the worst timing ever, i can't start getting down on myself. i'm come so far, accepted so much, i wouldn't have been the same person. why is it that upon finding a picture of me so long ago, scribbled out in sharpie, can bring up all those feelings and wrap around my chest again?

it should have left me, it wasn't supposed to follow me home. as if it were a tall, eyeless monster, black oily feathers and hundreds of rows of fangs. i finally locked it away and buried it under the deepest ocean, ran as far as i could and felt such a fantastic relief.

but i just now looked over my shoulder and saw it standing there, wet and upset with me. pointing fingers at me, and it has grown eyes, large glassy mirrors that shows me every thing i had packed down and shoved away and tried to overcome. and it reminds me with a sneer that i never overcame a thing, i only avoided and averted my thoughts. it's the laugh, the suggestions, the glint of horrible hatred in the mirror-like eyes that get me. the evil little face and boney, terrible hands pushing thoughts and ideas and memories onto my heart. and it enjoys it, every moment of it.

how could such a gruesome creature come from me?

it's almost sickening. i should stab it in the chest, i've got hundreds of thousands of daggers and knives, but the weight of picking them up is too much for me to bare. it's teasing me with the thought, but it knows that all i can do is hide. i don't have what it takes.

i hate the sounds it makes. the things it says. the way it makes me feel and see myself, it's high-pitched static. representing all the things i secretly hated, feared and turned from. it moves like a stop-animation, as if it were illuminated by a strobe light, with jerks and staggers. every thing that frightens me and makes my eyes widen and heart stagger and jerk with it.

isn't it such a surprise? what a terrible time to see him again. he'll play with my head, hide behind a tree and make me feel safe, become invisible. and at my weakest of moments, strike. how could i be so weak, when i've always tried to be so strong. confidence? she says i had it, but i never ever felt like it was real. it's so much easier to convince yourself of things rather than deal with them properly.

i was so tired of hating myself, and i don't want to wear myself out again. how could i love anyone if i didn't love myself? that scares me, i always believed i did, that i finally did. why does it have to be now, you son of a bitch? why couldn't you find someone else to haunt?

because he belongs to me. because i created and nurtured and fed him every single bad thought until he got strong enough to overthrow me. what will it take to put him in his place, starve him and watch him shrivel and die? but he can't die, he can only become weak and fall back into the shadows of my mind until i throw him scraps of meat.

why must i always ruin things for myself. oh god oh god, i don't want to. this is something too grand, too wonderful. i think i'm almost ready, i'll pick up the sharpest blade i can find, i'll do whatever it takes. i'll starve everything and everyone until it withers away with myself. chop him into pieces and messily discard of his remains. feed him to the wolves. spread him so thin that it'll take too much out of him to return. i'm going to do it, i'll face him.

but i can't promise it'll turn out like you or i want to, i can't promise it'll happen soon. i'm tired of being chased and scattered, i'm not dreaming. i'm tired of hiding and always feeling his gaze. i'll pluck out his eyes, gouge his throat, stomp out each vessel until his thick black blood is splattered for miles. you just wait and see, you just wait to see what i do to this fucking monster. he'll never bother you or me ever again.

and i can be happy.
and never again will i look inside myself and see him at the center of my hatred, my self-loathing. the root of all my evils, the basis of everything wrong in my life. and suddenly, everything will be so right.

i'm so ready, so very ready. i'm sharpening my broadsword and building up my strength. i'll take him down with one swing, i'll muster every frusterated thought, every year-month-week-day-hour-minutesecondlife that he wasted. i'll have my revenge, i'll gain back my childhood. the love in my heart. it's for that girl, with her hair pinned up and an awkward smile, that's now distorted with marker. it's for her and her alone, no one else.

i'll put your head on a stake and eat my dinner in front of your rotting remains. have a nice picnic and smile up at you. because i'll be happy. i'll have dealt with you, i'll have shown you how much stronger i had become when you were breaking the locks.

i'll be happy. so happy.

and when he sneaks up on me, when i feel his presence and my heart sinks, i think of you. i think of all the things i'm doing this for, the reason and the strength given to me to defeat this awful self-hatred. you come riding up on your decorated white stallion, your armor the pearliest of whites, your smile and your face and your everything. your love for me, it burns bright enough to make this monster turn away in pain, search for the darkness away from you. but he can only run so far away from your light, Michael. when i'm bathed in you, he has no choice but to bury himself in the dirt and wait for his opportunity. his casket is getting weak. and the strength you give me while he hides, it's more than i could ever ask for. it's more than you'll ever be able to comprehend. i'll regroup and rid myself, and be able to give myself completely to you.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i wish i could be perfect for you, i wish i could be ideal. i wish i didn't think like this, i wish i could tell myself what you tell me and be done with it. i'm sorry you're reading this. i'm sorry that i have to deal with this alone.

but don't be sad or feel heart ache, this has to be done. you can't protect me from myself.

05:05 a.m.

lets go exploring / Wednesday, December 27, 2006
ahh i love him. i don't want this to end. this can't end quite yet.

no, no-- not end. just put on hold. it'll crush me and then bring me to my senses.

pause it for now, i'll work so hard for you.
i'd do just about anything

04:34 a.m.

..... / Saturday, October 21, 2006
i was texting my friend Joe while standing outside, smoking a cigarette. (i wasn't wearing very much, as most of my clothes were dirty. and the warmest things i had with me were articles of clothing that i refuse to smoke while wearing.)
i was texting him a thought in reply to some stupid question, "human beings are the scariest things in this world."

and right in the middle of this, i get a call that read "UNKNOWN CALLER". this was my moment of the week, what an odd one it was. though after a few seconds, i realized that it wasn't unusual because a friend from PA, Mel, always has UNKNOWN as her caller ID when she calls me. so i answer and she's drunk and talking to me. and passes the phone around and i smoke a few cigarettes while trying to decipher the drunk thoughts and language.

weird moments. that's all i have to say.

i'm going to leave the credit card on my desk here at home. it's sad when the only control you have over yourself is the control of limiting what you can and cannot do. i need a job. i want to save up thousands of dollars just to give to my mother. for the pain of raising me, the pain of dealing with me.

this feels like a suicide note, eh. but it's not. don't worry.

i feel bad for those who still read this, because this place is for the worst and most dreadful and destroying thoughts i have. [i shouldn't be wearing this.]

[it's a matter of time before i sink back into that place that is too slippery to easily climb out of.]

[i don't like the faces i see when i take a look around my closest friends.]

[i only think that things are better.]

[when, in reality, things are worse.]

[it's so easy to pull the wool over your own eyes.]

but then again, i think too much. how can that be, when everyone tells me that i don't think enough?
it's only a matter of time, i tell you, before i sink back and take a look around and realize that my reality is just my imagination. and i turn into the person i was, should be, the person that got me so far when i should have fell on my face. sadly enough, that person isn't happy.

no, it's not sad.
it's just a way of life.

[and, i think, that i'll only fuck up even more from now on. until i'm a ball of insecurity all over again. and then i will never fuck up. because i never have a chance to.]

please please please please don't hate me.

10:39 p.m.

sick. sick to the core. / Saturday, October 14, 2006
i'm not here. this isn't happening. do not ask. it will never leave my mouth. fight club is making my head hurt. and that sucks hardcore.

03:40 a.m.

"I'm not a beatnik, I'm a Catholic." / Saturday, December 24, 2005
i hate it when people tell me things that annoy them about me or that i need to change, because every time i adjust to their requests i find that it doesn't help at all.

my mom tells me to talk to her, because we never talk, blah blah blah. so i talk to her. tell her shit that i'm thinking because she asked me to. and today in the car she and david were talking about how amazing it would be to get a maid, so i told them about a funny story involving a midget maid and a hell of a lot of pennies. and when i was done, i smiled and waited for them to at least chuckle, or grin, or make some kind of polite gesture. but they both just sat there, staring forward, like in a second they would turn around and say, "what? were you talking?"

uhm. so i sank back into my seat and things were dead quiet until david mentioned something and mom said, "oh, yeah, yeah."

why does that bother me so much? should it? when i was a little kid i said things immediately when they came to mind and it got me into trouble and i would stutter a lot. so mom told me to stop and think about what i say before i speak. so i got into the habit. and now i'm so busy thinking when i talk that when i tell stories they're really slow and boring. i'm not funny at all. good thing i'm not writing MTV's Made and asking them to make me into a comedian. because i never stop hearing from everyone about how patheticly funny i am, in a way where they know i'm trying to be funny but i'm not, so it makes them laugh anyway.

and now i have to fucking clean. it's christmas eve! give me a goddamn break!

06:54 p.m.

a clockwork orange / Wednesday, October 19, 2005
you know what's really stupid and sometimes scares me? the slightest bit of tension with anyone makes me want to shoot myself in the face. and i bet i've said stuff like that jokingly before. but every time i do, i think about it, and it's almost a craving. like being hot and thirsty and thinking about cold water and ice cream.

i'm rarely ever sad, truthfully. i don't get depressed and cut my skin and freak out and orgasm. i just sit in classes and my teacher is being a bitch and the world outside the window looks so much better than the room, and i just want to end it, because it feels like my entire life is going nowhere. and i drive around and talk to people and put off stuff everyone begs me to do, because my life feels completely pointless right now. i get up, go to school, work, and sleep and eat. i hate who i am and what i do. i want to sleep in the cave at unity village and watch movies and more movies and watch TV a lot and read and go places in KC and drive around with my car full of doofuses again. i feel very much isolated right now. and i feel bitterer than usual for it.

i've been to this pointless, bitter place before, and seriously fucked things up. but i keep getting in trouble and doing things that aren't good for me, and it feels a lot better to do what i want to do, rather than sit around and study and be who my mom wanted me to be.
i guess she's right. she yelled at me and called me a selfish spoiled little girl. and it's so very true. all i want is to make myself happy at any cost. i cater to my every whim. i can't control myself. and that's scary, especially when i would love nothing more than to blow my brains out or swallow a bucket full of pills.

08:33 p.m.

hitler hair-do / Sunday, August 7, 2005
woah woah woah.

there's something wrong here.

maybe it's the radiohead on repeat,
or the vanilla coke or the hot weather.
there's something definitely amiss..

(well, shit, it would have never worked out anyway.)

..i seriously need physical contact. i miss ariel because she was so comforting. i want someone to pet my hair and hug me and hold my hand when we cross streets. and i hardly even care who it is.
that's not good at all. (well, shit.)

01:40 a.m.

this is what you'll get when you mess with us / Saturday, August 6, 2005
i've been in this mood. kind of this mood where i can jump from quiet to stupid-happy to mean and dry.
i don't know why, but the closer we get to school the more and more i'm short-tempered. i've kind of started getting into this fantasy spells where i daydream without really thinking and come up with situations that sort of make me feel worse. i hate sleeping now, because i lay there so fucking long before i really fall asleep, and to fill up the time i just think, usually about things i'd rather not think about.
it's like i've programmed myself to constantly remind me of shit. maybe i want to be angsty and have problems to talk about. thing is, i hardly ever talk about that stuff. i rant and rave all the time, but the shit that really tears me up is never anything i bring up with close friends. i ignore it or we ignore it and the world is dreadfully quiet.

i think i'm just feeling kind of lonely lately. ariel moved to KC, sienna is long gone from my life, no more online friends, everyone i thought i would keep in contact with during school pretty much fell through and i rarely call, i'm kind of pissed at tawni, becky isn't a part of things anymore, the kids at work and i really don't have that much in common.

but i have a great best friend. shouldn't that be enough? i have claire. we're getting a little closer. but still, i don't know if that'll last when school starts, since she goes to North.
i guess i'm hoping to meet different people. as much as i love and adore catie, there are still some things i just can't talk about with her. like, harry potter, and movies and bands she hates and stuffs like that. nothing that important, but still stuff that i like to have ridiculously long conversations about.

there's something wrong with me. i love getting school supplies. new pens and spirals and folders. and i got a new saddlebag... i'm in love with it, really.

where in the hell did:
Lee,
Volt,
Waldo,
ska,
and mom go?

KC KC KC KC KC
SUPPORT THE LOVE, RIGHT?
don't give up! even though it's pretty much hopeless!
sow the seeds of patience and love, and then take a big bite out of the results! MAKE A STEW! DON'T LET IT ROOOTTT.

chef boyardee makes me so fucking sick.
and last weekend some girl pooped all over the toilet at work (on top of the lid, apparently it was closed when she rushed in and sat down...) and andrew was telling me about how he couldn't clean it up and everything got smeared all over the place and he accidentally used a brand new mop..............

.....

come on, sometimes i love my job.

02:25 a.m.

dfkhsd;fh / Monday, May 23, 2005
i am so so so so sick of you
i hate your fucking smart remarks and your cynical comebacks after everything and your constant negative, black humor you spout off using every ounce of air in your lungs. i hate how you're so above me and how you're so interesting and deep and how people can waste time with you so easily. i hate how you stepped between us and took something special away from me. i hate how you're the special one. i hate it that his heart is in your little claws. fucking fuck, and i hate it when we cross paths by accident and i have to recognize who you are and why i hate you so fucking much.

god damn. i have never felt so much hatred for someone so much, especially someone i hardly know, and i hope i never have to talk to your face because i want to spit in it. when i come across a reference to you, my skin turns hot and i feel like my insides are boiling over. i want you to disappear, die, at the very least leave my life, because every single thing about you and about the way we met and about the way things turned out turns my blood cold and i seriously want to viciously punch you in your mouth.

and that's why you're better than me. so.. i hope you're happy.

09:39 p.m.

you stupid little girl / Tuesday, April 26, 2005
your world is gonna smash in a matter of time. live it up because you're wrecking everything you used to want. fuck you. i want to hurt you because you're hurting yourself and it makes me sick, so fucking sick. i'm starting to hate you. so, awesome. i hope that your alcohol and your pot and your parties and the X you want to try fill you up and make you whole. i hope you become a cool party kid that you never thought you'd be, so social and free. i hope you don't choke on the puke and words and the regret you're gonna have when you realize how empty everything is. you always said that you weren't gonna be like your father, that the shit wasn't genetic, but i can see you destroying yourself and turning into the person you hated. so fuck you. i hope things work out for you. so long, you stupid piece of shit.
i find it funny that you're so intent on not being friends, but odds are you're reading this and reading my xanga and LJ. what are you looking for? mentions of you? good fucking job. are you trying to be sentimental? that's stupid. you're not in my life anymore. so stop checking up on me.

i want to go live with my dad over the summer. things feel so wrong lately. i need to work stuff out that i've avoided. yeah. i still love you. i said i'd work on it but i've just avoided it. stupid, stupid, i set myself up. ahh well.
i had two ticks burned off my body and their bites still itch. yuck.

09:59 p.m.

and dad would dream of all the different ways to die- / Sunday, February 27, 2005
i feel like listing all my favorite memories that i have some sort of personal attachment/regret to, in no particular order. i guess if you get hurt easily, don't read this?

i miss the beautiful conversations with michael and spelling his name wrong and feeling grateful when he didn't mention anything about it. winter feelings.

i miss lying in bed with becky and talking endlessly. and feeling that she really got me, that there wasn't anything i could say that she couldn't understand. elliott smith and johnny depp marathons and notebooks filled to the brim with notes and collages.

i miss being sweet with lee a lot. i miss his e-mails. i miss how kind he was and how his voice was so soft and how he never missed anything or took any noise for granted. it hurts that he doesn't play any role in my life now. i can't bring myself to call him, because then we'd have to get to know the New Us. late night conversations on a stolen cell phone.

i miss the cave with ariel and becky and alison and erik.. i miss ariel and i walking through downtown lee's summit at night and smoking strawberry cigars under the overpass. adventures and cuddling and scary ghost sounds from a train going past a cave opening. i loved every second.

i miss volt's e-mails and conversations and affections. when i was in a situation that upset me, just thinking of what volt would say to me would give me a feeling of relief. i miss waiting for his e-mails, even though it was unbearable. no matter how long we go without speaking, you're still so close to my heart that it confuses me.

i miss sienna, sitting in her car with all the windows down and yelling out lyrics. going to hy-vee at 1 a.m. for yan-yan snacks and Canada Dry. one of the best birthdays.. she picked me up and gave me sweet presents. i miss seeing her in the halls and being 20 minutes late to classes because we were talking.. and then she wrote me a phony pass. i miss her loud snoring and her sense of humor. sweet smelling air in my face and such beautiful music and downtown Kansas City at night and finding cookies under my pillow that she somehow managed to place there while i wasn't home.

i miss ...it. i shouldn't say what. but i miss it dearly.

i miss smoking in the bathroom of Jim's house. i miss the first few cigarettes. stealing packs quite cleverly and hiding them in my shoes-in my make up kit-my closet. i miss the week where mom and jim were on vacation and i smoked Kools in my room and watched Pulp Fiction and drank Mike's Hard Lemonade. dying heat of summer, school coming up, such a dark feeling of comfort. sneaking around and loving the rush. lying back on my floor with all my windows open, smoking the day away. i miss that summer and when i was lying on my back, fucking my lungs over, i knew it was the majestic end to something i would miss. such a green, lush, sweet summer. it's been a year and i can still smell so many things.
like the sound of neutral milk hotel - the last sounds of something that was brilliant.

so many lovely things in my life. each one has a distinct feeling and smell attached. i want to write them down and tell everyone how much i love them. if we move on from each other, just know that you are so amazing to me.
and i miss driving. goddamn it.

05:22 a.m.

running theme / Tuesday, December 7, 2004
how come everyone important to me have close friends who hate me?

i feel out of sorts. i have to stop, because feeling like the bad friend is always what makes me a bad friend.
"eh, i dunno. she might be rude to you, but ignore her."
"every time i mention you she gets upset."
"every time i mention you he gets tense."
"oh don't mind her, she's just a jealous person."

04:46 p.m.

"don't apologize, it's not your fault." / Monday, November 29, 2004
i feel completely sick and frustrated right now.

i want to puke and puke and get rid of this feeling and feel better and stop torturing myself and somehow fix everything i've managed to break and shove out of place. i want things back to what they were. back to the way people used to be and how close we were. that's what's making me feel weak and unsettled. i'm not special to you anymore. i'm not special to him anymore. i feel like i have no use. no one depends on me for their own well-being. no one writes me e-mails when they're sad. i'm not the person she goes to when she's upset. i did this to myself, i'm sure, but when and where and how are the big questions.

seems like all i can do now is listen to music and pretend i'm somewhere else, doing something important. or go out with friends and feel like i'm living life.

i'm just a novelty now. keep me around for the sake of sentiments, but if you misplaced me, i don't think you'd notice until you went back into your memories.

"those were good times."

12:26 a.m.

njosnavelin / Tuesday, November 16, 2004
have you ever had that feeling where you just don't want to see anyone? you feel fine. not upset or disturbed or anything. but you just feel like if someone takes a look at you, you'll pretty much fall down and pass out. not to be dramatic or anything. i'm dramatic sometimes, but i don't mean to be dramatic here. honestly. right now, if my mom were here, i would avoid her like a plague. and i don't know what i'm going to do at the dentists office. maybe just close my eyes and pretend giraffes and horses are working on my teeth.

i really don't like worrying. or making a big deal about things. but it seems like i just tend to. can someone tell me why i always check for xanga comments, oekaki comments, LJ comments? i have to stop freaking out over comments. that's what i like about you, whiplash. no matter how hard i try, i can never find a code for you to have comments. so i don't have to worry about that here.

i feel pretty nutty right now. and i'm trying to think of something sane to reply to Trina's letter but i think i ought to wait a day or so until i feel like i won't freak her out.

mmmf.

06:25 a.m.

tweettweet a letter to my maker / Friday, October 22, 2004
i hate reading this particular persons blog. i knew from the beginning that i was just a sore to have around. i wish this tall shelf next to me would topple over and all the CDs and books and picture frames and glasses would crash onto my head and knock me out and my memory would be altered and i would completely forget you. i feel like a burden. maybe not a burden as much as an annoyance. i hate thinking about how we used to be. and then comparing that to how we are now and how i used to be so important to you and now i just think you feel bad for not feeling the need for me anymore, so you fake it, and i'm getting so run down.

i ache and cry for equality with all your other friends, i don't even need to be as special to you as i used to be, i just don't want anyone to be more special to you than i am. (it'll never happen, my place in your life has obviously san k into who the fuck knows where,) and i can't have this and so i just wish you'd stop making me and hope and wish and just ignore me completely.

no, i can't think about lips or hands anymore, i never told you but i started acting different because i started feeling different, more focus on corners of lips and bones in the hips than jokes or telling you about my day. that's what has ruined me. i've sunk back, ashamed, feeling too tired to be as protective of you as i used to be, and she (the one i hate but have no reason) crawled into your heart and filled your head with herself and while i was out recuperating, she stole my home in your heart and changed the biochemistry and my key is all wrong now.

i fell onto a porcupine and its needles are sticking 3 inches deep into my throat and if i let them be, they heal over and the pain dulls, but if i try to pull blood splurges and runs and ruins my clothes and it's just easier if i ignore you.

02:50 p.m.

so alone / Thursday, September 16, 2004
i had the most unsettling of dreams the night of last.

i was in the guest room of our house and it was bare and the carpet was replaced with hard wood and it looked so old and dusty, like an attic, and i decided to move all my stuff into it.

and then i was at my grandmother's house. everyone was there, everyone i cared about, and they were there for me. maybe it was my birthday.. but i was the reason they were there. but no one talked to me, not my mom or brothers or father or friends or anyone. they talked to each other. i tried saying hello but no one would notice me, or maybe they were ignoring me. eventually the party ended and they all said their goodbyes, and in the dream i knew i wouldn't see any of them for a long time, and i wanted to at least hug them, but when i tried to say something or touch them they walked away to talk to someone else.

i started crying, and no one noticed, except one woman, a thin quiet woman i had never seen before. maybe she was somebody's wife? she watched me throughout the entire party with sad, sad eyes, that bored into me and understood how lonely i felt. she walked over to me and put her arms around me and pulled me against her and i sobbed and screamed and cried harder, letting it all out. she was warm and her voice was kind and i quieted down, breathed in the scent of her clothes and felt at ease.

my grandparents house was dull and dark and saddening. every room felt as if murders were committed in them, especially the dingy bathroom. no one was home. i searched and searched and found my grandpa working in the dark on the VCR. everything was cold and scary, even my normally warm and cheery grandparents.

sometimes dreams take the things on your mind and turn it into a story. so strange. and you wonder how it makes these great stories with such ease when you have trouble starting one.

05:51 p.m.

platonically yours / Monday, September 6, 2004
however painful that may be.

so late at night i was in bed and shuffling around in my CD case and changed the CD i was listening to. i rested the one compact disc i replaced on my chest and stared up. the light was on and it reflected off the CD and left a glowing orb on the ceiling. i stared at it and the compact disc on my chest slid down and rested against my neck. i kept staring at it. and i noticed the orb shuddered in a sturdy rhythm, what i realized to be was my own pulse.

that's the most comforting thing that's happened to me in the past month.
i feel annoying.

04:00 p.m.

shines and beating / Saturday, August 28, 2004
where has everyone gone?
i haven't felt this hopeless and alone in a long time
like i've lost something important
and i think i have, i really do

let go! god just do it and you won't cry every time
you realize that you're not going to
kiss ~~her~~ him
and that he doesn't want me, at all,
so just shut the fuck up, all right?
stop asking me how i am.

03:58 p.m.

i won't crawl into a hole / Saturday, July 17, 2004
i wish this feeling in my stomach wasn't such a walk down memory lane.
i just need to stop acting like this.
so, so selfish.

02:36 a.m.

are you sirius / Wednesday, July 14, 2004
You are a iSTp, an Artisan - the personality of Slytherin house, and your Harry Potter charcter match is Sirius Black.

(from the Personality Page) Quiet and reserved, interested in how and why things work. Excellent skills with mechanical things. Risk-takers who they live for the moment. Usually interested in and talented at extreme sports. Uncomplicated in their desires. Loyal to their peers and to their internal value systems, but not overly concerned with respecting laws and rules if they get in the way of getting something done. Detached and analytical, they excel at finding solutions to practical problems.

(from Type Logic) Like their fellow SPs, ISTPs are fundamentally Performers (note the capital 'P' :-)), but as Ts their areas of interest tend to be mechanical rather than artistic like those of ISFPs, and unlike most ESPs they do not present an impression of constant activity. On the contrary, they lie dormant, saving their energy until a project or an adventure worthy of their time comes along--and then they launch themselves at it. The apparently frenzied state that inevitably ensues is actually much more controlled than it appears--ISTPs always seem to know what they're doing when it comes to physical or mechanical obstacles--but the whole chain of events presents a confusing and paradoxical picture to an outsider.

ISTPs are equally difficult to understand in their need for personal space, which in turn has an impact on their relationships with others. They need to be able to "spread out"--both physically and psychologically--which generally implies encroaching to some degree on others, especially if they decide that something of someone else's is going to become their next project. (They are generally quite comfortable, however, with being treated the same way they treat others--at least in this respect.) But because they need such a lot of flexibility to be as spontaneous as they feel they must be, they tend to become as inflexible as the most rigid J when someone seems to be threatening their lifestyle (although they usually respond with a classic SP rage which is yet another vivid contrast to their "dormant," impassive, detached mode). These territorial considerations are usually critical in relationships with ISTPs; communication also tends to be a key issue, since they generally express themselves non-verbally. When they do actually verbalize, ISTPs are masters of the one-liner, often showing flashes of humor in the most tense situations; this can result in their being seen as thick-skinned or tasteless. the ultimate harry pottah quiz.

03:18 a.m.

look how pretty i am now! / Sunday, July 4, 2004
i don't know how she did it, but Maia did this layout and did a brilliant job!!

now it's time to study how she did it and totally rip her off. no, just kidding. but i'll probably study her html a bit. @_@;.. i used to be the layout queen. what happened? i don't remember a lick of it anymore.

mrgleff

05:34 p.m.

currently horrified. / Thursday, July 1, 2004
i had the most amazing dream last night.. er, last morning.. well i was up late, so whatever you think it should be called.

i was at some sort of private zoo where a giant giraffe was being held, and it was horrifying to see this incredible animal bending over the highest fence i've ever seen to sway its head and sniff and inspect people. looking up at this huge animal, it was just the strangest feeling, like looking up at a huge skyscraper or a ship. you feel small, and in awe, suddenly put back into perspective.

dreams really are amazing. my mother used to be really interested in interpreting dreams, i think i may tell her about it tomorrow and ask if she thinks it's anything but a bit of a tall tale. hah hah hah!!!! i couldn't help myself.

other than that, my life is completely meaningless-er-i mean. eventless.

i stopped myself 100 pages short of finishing the 5th Harry Potter book, in hopes i could will myself to leave the book be and go to bed (before 5 am, for once) and then just read it tomorrow or whenever, but i don't think i'm strong enough to resist, and i have a sinking feeling that i'll lose control and grab some chips and a soda, gain a bit of sugar to keep me awake, and swallow the rest of the book up.

but i've got to get some decent sleep.. i'm babysitting around noon..!!

i have no self control at all!

03:41 a.m.

veronica / Thursday, June 10, 2004
I MISS LEE LIKE FECKING HELL AND I'M LISTENING TO ELVIS COSTELLO AND IT'S TOO MUCH!!!

02:59 a.m.

Ysaye Quartet in F Major / Wednesday, June 9, 2004

elliott smith?
i think if that's really elliott, my heart will burst

my absolute dream is to gather up the people who mean the most to me, especially the online friends i have, and then take some of my close friends from school and life and we can all move into one house and invite all our friends and everyone pays their part and it becomes just a huge meeting ground. like what the hippies used to do, the big family of people living together. but the hippies got busted, because those houses just turned into a huge drug party.. hahaa..

i think my mom was a hippy, she never talks about her young adult life. never. all i know is that she was a nerdy kid in school, and then she had a kid at 16 and then got married.

it's way too late for me to be online. i have got to get some sleep. i go to bed early in the morning and then wake up around 9 or 10. no wonder my hands have been shaking lately. fucking hell.

i think tomorrow when everyone is at work and my stepbrother is still sleeping i am going to try and climb from my bathroom window onto the roof. i've always wanted to but never thought to try when no one was home to catch me. but i think i will, tomorrow. i'll see if it's hard and if it's noisy and who knows, i might climb out there and lay down during the night when i just really want to look up at the stars.

i hope you have beautiful sleep and i hope you know i love you.

02:52 a.m.

Madeline / Tuesday, June 8, 2004
I heard a definite rap-tap-tap on my window at midnight as I sat on my bed playing the electric keyboard that lay across my lap. In movies and books and everything, people always get a curious look, or maybe a frightened look on their face when they hear something tapping on their window. But I didn�t even have to give it much thought nor was I caught off-guard; when you�re friends with Madeline, you have to expect these kinds of things. And if you�re not prepared for them at all times... then, well, you�re a damned fool.

Of course Madeline wasn�t her real name. I don�t know what her real name is. I�ve had classes with her for years, since the fifth grade, but this year was the first that we actually had a friendship. Every year she changes her name. Everyone has come to expect it, since we�re all so used to it, so it�s really nothing that surprises us. What�s funny, something I never expected, is that she even goes by the new name with her parents. It seems as if her real name is lost in a pit of fake identities and foreign names.

I switched the keyboard off and approached the window, pulling the blinds up and locking them, and then unlocking my window and sliding it open.

�Hi,� Madeline said from behind the screen. I poked around the window, unlatching the screen and pushing it out, then pulling it into my room. I looked out at her, and looked at the slanted roof she was standing on. Sometimes I think she has some magical power, because I really have no idea how she does the things she does.

She propped her elbows up on the sill of my window and took a drag off her cigarette. She�s a very lovely girl, and it seems that I�m the only person who sees her unconventional beauty. The only makeup she wears is mascara and eyeliner, and lots of it. Some people think it�s too much, the thick border of eyeliner that makes the whites of her eyes stand out, but I can�t see Madeline any other way. She�s worn thick eyeliner ever since fifth grade, probably even before that.

�Good evening, Madeline.�

�Charlie.� That wasn�t my real name, but it was to her. She said I sounded like a Charlie. She blew the cigarette smoke into my room. I winced. The last thing I need is for my room to smell like cigarettes.

�We�re going to Chicago,� she said.

�We?� Madeline was quiet, looking at me with her green eyes, and again brought the cigarette to her lips. She knew for a fact that I understood what �we� meant. She doesn�t like to talk if it�s really not necessary.

�If we leave now we�ll make it to Jacobson Station in time to catch the two o�clock bus.�

�You can�t drive.�

�I certainly can.�

�I meant legally.� She was sixteen and only had her permit.

She stared up at me as if she were waiting for me to explain myself. I stared back. I was tired and Madeline was being serious. She didn�t really play around, as ridiculous as her schemes were.

�Come inside and listen to some records with me.�

�No, I have to catch the bus. You�re not going with me?�

�I�m too tired. You can catch a different bus. Just come in here.�

So she climbed inside, holding my hand for her balance. She wore a light blue jacket sweater with large white buttons and a wife beater underneath, as well as her favorite black jeans that she had cut apart and sown up to be fitted and tight. She walked to my bed and turned the keyboard on and tapped around on it. She turned it off and I put a Rilo Kiley record on and we laid down on my bed and listened.

�Have you ever kissed a boy?� She looked over at me. I think if I had ever kissed a boy, or if I were attracted to boys, she would somehow relate and understand. I�m sure she has kissed boys, and maybe even girls.

�No,� I said.
�Have you ever kissed a girl?�
�No.�

I know that question seems like it should be followed with her rolling over and staring at me seductively as she says �Would you like to?� but if Madeline wanted to kiss me she would just tell me. And she didn�t roll over and seduce me, she just listened to the Rilo Kiley record and looked up at my ceiling and told me about all the interesting articles she read in Bitch magazine.

Around 4:00 I woke up and saw my light was still on. And she was asleep next to me, and I remembered my window and Chicago and Rilo Kiley and Bitch. I sat up and looked at her. I�ve only seen Madeline sleeping once before, and it was by mistake. She likes to be the last person awake. I didn�t want to wake her up, so I got off the bed and folded my half of the blanket we were lying on top of over Madeline and turned off the light and slept on the sheets.

I woke up from a dream about Madeline, but as I started to think about it when I was awake, all I could recall was that Madeline was getting married. The clock said 7:00 AM. I turned over and she was gone from my bed, and I looked at my window and the screen had been put into place. Without a trace, I thought. I questioned whether the night�s activities were a part of my dream, but my bed smelled like her.

I rolled over and buried my face into the pillow that gathered the scent of her shampoo, and fell asleep.

01:50 a.m.

keeps singing over everything / Friday, June 4, 2004
i got a message from catie, it was nice, she's in New York.

i've tried to oekaki at least four times and i get so frusterated and i just hate the pictures so much that i just x-out of the window. and the thing is, is that i never regret it. usually i think "maybe i should have worked on it a little" but i just think "fuck it, i really don't care."

if you don't have a Xanga, there's this option that lets you add people to this list, and when you view this page it shows you all the latest entries from the people on that list. kinda like LiveJournal. so i go through and i'm looking for an entry i actually care about, and i pass by all these people.. really popular kids at our school, a guy that becky and i used to really like, and i'm just like. nothing here feels real. it's all the same thing, no one writes, no one treats their journals like a journal, they treat it like something that updates people on what they're doing Friday and Saturday and shit. i wish someone would write. and the people who really do write, hardly ever so do.

i feel absolutely helpless and a bit hopeless and just totally out of it. my dog had her nose up against the screen, the window behind me, and in the silence she barked really fucking loud. the hollow room amped the bark up, and it just rung inside of my head for a few seconds and i screamed "SHUT THE FUCK UP" and slammed the window shut and ran out into the garage and got a Dr. Pepper and cried. i feel like shit and i don't know why. i turn to Elliott for comfort, but he needed to be comforted too. the blind leading the blind. i miss going to school and seeing amazing people every single day, and talking to them and hugging them and just being with them. i think this is one the shittiest parts of being in highschool.. the summer where you can't drive and everyone else can, the summer where you need to get a job. i hope this summer isn't going to be as lonely as it's starting out to be. i can't believe how much i miss second semester.

mom has been a little mean lately. it really gets me down. she used to never get mad, she'd joke around. and if she got mad she would never yell. but now she does, and she says mean things and acts snotty and mean and sometimes i go upstairs and cry. it's awfully ridiculous. i always feel so small and so stupid when i cry, and i've been crying too much lately, and people who haven't known me long think i'm a bit of a crybaby. maybe i am, but i haven't always been one.

my head is just throbbing. i wish someone would have talked to me on the phone today. i know i'm being stupid but everyone had places to go, things to do, and they couldn't talk to me, and i just thought, i wish i couldn't talk on the phone. i wish i had places to go, and things to do.

this is very dangerous, because i'll do almost anything to make my days the least bit interesting. i think i should just go sleep it off and hope there's something to do tomorrow.

07:03 p.m.

waste of breath, space, time / Tuesday, June 1, 2004
it's strange how something you believe in with your whole heart can make you feel so awful and rude and completely out of place. but you know that if you weren't acting rude and awful that you would regret it later on, you wouldn't be as good as a friend as you should have been. i think i'm willing to risk everything, i don't think i would have ever risked anything for this friendship before today, i think i would have said anything or done anything. but now i realize this is bigger than me, i'm too selfish. i just wish my words were kinder and quieter and sweeter and smarter and clearer. i wish i didn't hurt others or get out of line when i let my emotions get raw. i hate it.

i'm sorry. as rude as i am about it, as blunt and awful and thoughtless as i am i still believe in what i'm trying to get across. i don't know if either of us will ever change our minds, but as long as i love you and adore you and care for you, i know i never will. i just love you that much.

right now i'm trying to listen to good songs and laugh and try to fucking get it together. but i just end up crying and listening to elliott and hoping no one gets home early and finds me red-faced and sobbing in the computer room.

but even if they do, i don't think i would care. it's not about me anymore, and i don't think it should have ever been.

02:48 p.m.

these days / Tuesday, June 1, 2004

i forgot how paranoid i get in the summer.. it's because i don't really have anything better to do.

sienna is such a lovely friend, i hope i know her for a very long time.
i want becky to come over this weekend.. but my stepbrother's court date is that weekend, so to be honest i don't know what'll happen. he'll probably go to jail for a little while.
this might sound awful but i'm glad. as quiet and nice as he is to me, he deserves it. there's no excuse for getting drunk and killing someone.

01:16 a.m.

the earth looks better from a star / Saturday, May 15, 2004
so i changed the layout, sorta, because i was tired of seeing my face(s) every time i came here. elliott smith is much better to look at.
i told lee i had a crush on elliott. i hope he knows i was kidding! well kidding in the way where i'm not some fangirl who wants to have elliott's children.. no,no, but i care for elliott. his songs have so much life that usually i completely forget he's dead. or when i think about him being dead, it seems like i'm reflecting on some bad joke, as if he's smoking a cigarette in a south african town at this moment, enjoying his new life.

don't take anything for granted
be happy you can breathe and speak and walk and be happy you have 5 fingers on each hand and 5 toes on each foot. when you realize how much worse things could be, you realize how good you've got it. i promise.

sweet sweet smiles
don't fall on the stairs
thin, thin legs, bone and skin
you can't hold yourself up
don't smile!
when you drive by someone singing
with all their heart(s)
because someone might see
and get more personal with you
than you ever allowed them to be.
my nose is running and
i'm not fast enough
but. oh well. don't fuss,
don't worry, don't cry
because you are lovely to me.

06:47 p.m.

the calendar hung itself / Monday, April 26, 2004
lily chou chou kaifuku suru kizu

i refuse to do my 3 math assignments. i refuse to sleep. i refuse to.. do stuff. yeah, that too. and i refuse to sleep. did i say that one?
lily chou chou has a lovely voice.
my math teacher is desperate to keep my grades from slipping. he told me to bullshit, since he grades on completion, so i'd get credit for trying. trying? what if i don't know how to do it? BS, BS, BS. when i get my grades back i will know most of it is bullshit. isn't that lovely? my GPA is bullshit. i'm tired of school. i don't want to be there, i want to be somewhere else, living. who asked me if i wanted to do a bunch of shit worksheets for a grade that really doesn't matter?
i've been having vivid dreams.
i wish i were a boy.
i think i am going to hate this summer.
do i want school to end?
i can't decide.
but anyways, i don't have a choice.. oh well.
maybe it'll be better than i know. i thought this semester would be worse than it has been.
but still... that feeling of dread is very strong..
i don't want to lose you to time.
i just don't want to lose you
and if you become a memory
i will cry and cry.

i don't like memories, it's too sad, it's too melancholy, i like living in the moment and being in the moment with the same people i remembering being with, i like that history that's floating in our hearts when we're silently thinking while lying next to each other in bed. knowing we don't have to say anything, because we already know what the other is feeling. that warm history, i want it to be around forever. when we part ways, it will feel so cold without you.

01:57 a.m.

tearing the gum in half / Tuesday, April 13, 2004
you can have the bigger piece
just don't throw the foil at me

i was playing outside &
my tree has blossomed!
the petals are falling and it's a little sad
full of beauty

romeo's view

falling up

brave soldier

03:55 p.m.

THE DAY THE MUSIC / Sunday, April 11, 2004
DONMCLEAN american pie
i haven't drawn in way too long!
molasses cookies are delicious when
dipped in hot-to-warm coffee
but not delicious in cold coffee

it bothers me how in dreams everything is understandable, nothing is strange, trees and people that appear out of nowhere have always been there. i hate how i believe everything there is to believe in a dream. it makes me feel vulnerable, to know i can totally decieve myself. i feel naive when i wake up and realize everything was a dream. like i was tricked.

there's not much time left, it feels like. not much left at all.
but here on my ass i do sit.
hey, i forgot what was broken.. your e-mail or your fingers.

singin' "this'll be the day that i die"

after viewing the Blues Brothers for the 2nd time on VH1 i decided i want to lie, cheat, and run away from the cops my entire life, while successfully singing in a band.

i keep telling people that i want to shave my head, but no one really believes me. if i want attention, ladies and gents, i'll take off my shirt and pants and dance around in my underwear and my pair of converse sneakers that are literally falling apart. and then i'll cook you breakfast for dinner and accurately launch your food into your mouth.

i hate having hair, so i was thinking a buzz cut would do me some good.

my stomach hurts a little and i want to go to bed but there's some good porn on tonight so i think i'll stay up until then. not really, well yeah i'm sure there's some porn on tv, but i can't go to sleep when the sun is shining into my room. i've sewn up a pair of track pants that had a real small rip in them. i've been thinking of sewing it up a second time because i'm an awful sower. i've also been thinking of cutting up some jeans and re-sewing them together to make them a little more fitted because i hate how loose they are in the legs.

the tree next to the window in my room is in full-bloom. i can't wait until the end of spring when the flower petals are falling down, and if you shake a branch a snow of pinkish white tiny flower petals shower down on you. it's lovely, i promise, it is. anyone is welcome to come over and dance in petal showers with me.

i can't wait until it gets greener here. i love it when the trees in our backyard are all topped with leaves, and in the wind they shimmer in these shining waves. it's amazing. and i can't wait until my mother goes to a greenhouse and gets those hanging baskets of flowers and vines and decorates the back porch with them. it's amazing. and i hope she gets a jasmine bush again, because it's the most wonderful smell.

i think i'm going to miss this place.
and the way it smells at night,
and the way the wind comes through my windows in the most perfect way, directly on me when i'm at my desk. and the sounds and how i can walk anywhere in this place with my eyes closed.
who knows, maybe i won't.

03:23 p.m.

veggie tails / Tuesday, April 6, 2004
i've been devouring
carrots
lettuce
and italian dressing
and then i ran out of
italian dressing
and so now i use
balsamic vinaigrette.

becky and i are making a film or something with my mother's video camera. it's going to be about vampires. and we already have like, 15 kids that offered to play roles. awesome. awesome.

lots of vampires on the scene
anyone got any ideas?
ikadashe@yahoo.com

i typed up a script of something i thought maybe becky and i could do to get used to the camera, you know?
when i was typing it out i couldn't help but see David Gant as Elliott and Sienna Jobe as Blair. i don't know. i feel bad sometimes, for thinking about people. and when i dream about them too. it's like i need their permission to think/dream about them. especially dreaming. whenever i say "i had a dream about you" to someone i feel like a pedophile.

anyways i don't know if Sienna would be interested in my script and i doubt David would be. i feel bad for talking about him again, make it stop. i'll just keep going, but keep in mind, reader... i feel bad for talking about someone i hardly know. anyways i was at this CMSU gallery thing because some sketch i did got third place, and i saw david there, and when i walked in i saw him looking at pictures and even if i didn't see his face i knew it was him. i was about to say "David, Hi!" but then i thought, wait a second, it's highly likely he hates me. i didn't want to bother him. so i didn't say anything at all. i feel so awful about it. i don't know what's worse... saying something and annoying him, or not saying anything and seeming like a snotty bitch.

"seeming." hah.

07:22 p.m.

my bloody valentine / Monday, March 15, 2004
like slamming a door will help.
all i can do is sit here and try not to listen in, and hope i don't turn out the same.
(but i think i already have)
to think a year ago i was clueless.
but at least they make up.

i wish i could spend more time with my dog. she makes me happy, because she's so happy, and she doesn't care if you're in a bad mood, she doesn't mind, she just loves you so much and her whole body is shaking because of her tail. and then when she accidentally bites or scratches, she licks you with her ears pressed back, her little brown eyes saying a definite "gee, i'm sorry."

i wish apologizing were that easy.
i had a disturbing dream that i haven't told anyone because it really is disgusting. and now i'm saying, "usually i forget my dreams, so why couldn't i just forget that one?"
it makes me feel like puking to just think about it.
it's when you have dreams like that, you start to think you're just too perverted for your own good.

saturday night was a strange one. i wasn't depressed, but i felt like i was supposed to be, so i laid down for a while. and then i got up and started drawing. i know it's probably the last thing you'd think i would do after something like that, to draw, but man i drew and drew and it wasn't half bad. i added two more pages to my lowly comic and went to bed at 3. i don't know if i should be thankful to that person who messed up my emotions, or pissed. but i don't think i could be mad even if i wanted to be. that's the strangest feeling, when you feel like you should be hurt, like you should be angry and crying or at least bummed out. but you're not. you're just sitting there, wondering if you don't care, or if it just hasn't set in. it sets in, and you do care, but it doesn't feel like you do.

joanna offered to drive me to school. joanna's kind of.. silly. i'm scared, but i think my hatred for the bus overrides my fears.
jayne got her drivers license.
i'm addicted to movie soundtracks.
i hate math more than ever.
i almost fell in the hallway because it's been raining and people track in water on the floors. and my converse have smooth bottoms. i felt like an ass, but i'm kind of used to it.

if i'm trying i'm trying too hard. if i don't try, i know that'll bite me in the ass even harder. how do you try without trying too hard when trying at all is trying too much? i'm confused.
i wish i knew how to play guitar.
i wonder how long it will take for my stepdad to get annoyed at the squealing of the oven. (i don't know why it's squealing)
i wish i could drive.
i wish the years would go by faster,

i want my road trip.

sticking your hand out the window, letting the cold air numb everything, listening to the music hum under the wind roaring, listening to the smiles, because everyone else feels it too.
pulling up into the driveway, the sun sinking, you slam your door and look up at the house, and you look at the door, and someone's coming out, and you're all smiling, and you're all laughing, and happy.
lying in a bed
-of flowers
-of an SUV
-of a pickup
-of a motel

it just doesn't seem real, it's just too real, it's like a dream that you wake up from too soon, and you find yourself staring because you don't want to miss a thing
because you've already missed so much.

let it go. life is life and being angry only wastes time. don't hold on to something that's broken. you can't sew a shirt up that doesn't want to be fixed. but you can wear a new one. I don't know how you could not love me now.

throw a fit.

05:52 p.m.

are you awake? / Saturday, March 13, 2004
i thought about stapling a towel over my windows to make my room dark, because the person who told me about the movie said that i had to watch it in the dark. but i questioned whether or not the staples would even hold into the wood, so i never even tried. i just did my best to make my room as dark as possible without the use of a stapler or black paint.

it was a good movie. but she was right, you have to watch it in the dark. it's the type of movie that has a lot of dark scenes, and at 10 in the morning with the sun shinin' brighter than i'd like it to, i could see myself in the TV too often to go through the movie uninterrupted. so i think i'll watch it tonight, again.

it was a great movie. i haven't told that person that i rented it and watched it and liked it, but i don't think they'd care so much, so i'll keep it to myself.

you're right. i know you are, and of course you know you are. maybe i do think i'm magnificent and above everyone else and all that. i certainly hope not, though. but you are right. i know how shallow i am. and i know i give up easily, i get frustrated and i get to a point where i'm not getting anything back, and so i just give up. it seems hopeless. maybe things should have stayed the same, maybe we should have stayed strangers, because i doubt you've gained anything, and i don't know but i don't think you've lost anything. i'm stupid, i know that.

i had a dream today when i took a nap that i was with my dad, and we were driving around and we were on this long boardwalk at the ocean, and there were houses mounted on these beams and they stood hovering over the ocean. it was real pretty. i started to feel sick in the dream, because it was high up and i saw tiny little boardwalks leading out to a dead end. i remember wondering if ships pick people up from the end of those boardwalks.

i don't want to go to school monday, and i don't want to do my history project. a couple months or so seems too close to summer for me to care. but i know this is always the time my grades sink into the dirt, so i should suck it up and just do all my homework and care more than i want to. yeah that's what i'll do.

i've become the drunkard in the westport alley. i know what to tell other people but i don't know what's best for myself. actually i was probably him all along, but i've come to realize it right now.

i feel like i should be crying, or yelling, or angry, or maybe even hurt, but i'm not there yet.

thank you for IMing me, tanner.

07:45 p.m.

there's nothing left to whine / Saturday, March 6, 2004
the goonies, weezer, beavis, billy idol, the clash, andy warhol's marilyn monroe art, butthead, hello kitty, audrey hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany's, the strokes, empire records, rainbow brite.

i got twelve small buttons at the robin cruce show for a discount of 5 dollars. i'm sure i could have gotten a lower price if i waited to buy them at the end of the show, but i didn't want to wait around and give someone an opportunity to buy my twelve.

i danced with Mr. Cash. BE JEALOUS. BE VERY JEALOUS.

joel cash can pull off a blue suit, quincy's hair is flawless, melissa is a sweetheart, kayla is still the funniest girl i know, erika gets down when bryan's down, and i get hurt too easily.

but it was a marvelous night. at 11:11 in the passenger seat of kayla's car, driving back home, i made a wish and told everyone it was 11:11 and to make a wish, too. no one knew what i was talking about. i don't think i did either.

i realized i'm the backdrop that makes my friends shine brighter.

my eyes aren't as beautiful and no one checks out my ass
but that's okay because when people compare me to my friends, my friends are prettier, lovelier, just all around more beautiful.

and maybe it seems kind of strange to say that,
but i've become quite content with that fact.

i want to make everyone shine.

11:23 a.m.

kiss me i'm a loser / Friday, February 6, 2004
i feel so geekish. when i have nothing to do, i get on the computer. when i'm bored, i get on the computer. when i'm on the computer, and i get bored, i get off for 5 minutes and then get back on again, because it was more boring being off the computer than on....the computer.

lately i've been pretending i have a life, but i don't think it's rubbing off yet.

i wanted to go to the copeland/mae concert at the spitfire on friday, but........... i hear it's 10 dollars and only the first 200 people can get in and honestly it sounds like too much trouble than it's worth.

gosh. whenever i comment on someone's oekaki/ xanga post / livejournal post, i feel like i'm an idiot. i wonder if i really am an idiot or i'm just paranoid of seeming like an idiot. i hate the fact i'm still 15. i feel like i'm growing up much faster than my age allows it to seem. or maybe that's just a normal perception of whiny teenagers. i hate the word teenager/teen. you know why i'm so unhappy with my age? because usually people wait until they're in college to hate highschool kids, or at least out of highschool, and i'm still in highschool and i find them all whiny and stupid and completely... gosh. i don't even know.

i wore a thailand hat for hat day on wednesday. and i thought it looked cool. doesn't that sound like something some middle-aged mother would hear after her daughter caught her dancing at her school dance? "aw, well, i thought i looked cool..."

well anyways this junior/senior/who cares walked by me first thing in the morning, right when i set my godforsaken bag down on the table and said hello to becky, the FIRST THING I HEARD THAT DAY WAS

"what the fuck is that?"

i was too shocked to reply to his snide remark as he laughed to his friend and gave me another look, and i really wish i hadn't have been so shocked by his rudeness so i could have said something. i was kind of disappointed becky didn't stand up for me, but then again maybe she was shocked too, so i'm not too disappointed.

oh yeah. i felt like a loser yesterday too. i called becky like 39629561 times all throughout the day and no one answered. i hope they don't have caller id or whatever. i feel kind of dumb now.

i watched like 5 movies total yesterday and i can only remember two of them.

it's 5:22 AM and i think i should leave.

05:11 a.m.

there's no modern romance / Sunday, February 1, 2004
i felt like a change.
yeah that's me
rockin the digi
:D
VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE VAMOOSE

can you blame me?
we need hits.

07:59 p.m.

do they collide? / Saturday, January 10, 2004
okay, so i was innocently browsing through someones art files, and saved a few i didn't save before their website crashed, and i stumbled upon a picture of the webmaster that i had never seen before. at first i didn't know it was him, but i realized the filename was "picme" and looked at the picture again
my mouth dropped
and my eyes got wide
and then i covered my mouth
and proceeded to "aww" for 5 minutes straight.

YOU ARE THE CUTEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!!

i don't want to embarrass anyone so i only put a little slice of the picture up. i think the webmaster will recognize it. oh my god, you are the cutest thing i've ever seen, your puppy dog eyes made me fall over on my desk. i nearly melted. oh, my god. why are you so ADORABLE???
as far as i can see, you are ANYTHING BUT imperfect.

(later on i found another picture,
a hot one where his shirt's all agape <3
but the webmasta messed with it and made it really bright and such so i couldn't see his sizzlin' chest.
damn you ><)

01:01 p.m.

roastin' like a nut / Friday, January 9, 2004
i painted my jacket last night
it looked cooler in my head
but it came out alright
i took lots of pictures of art class

erika is so cute. :)

08:53 a.m.

snakes.. why'd it have to be snakes? / Sunday, December 28, 2003
listening to;PRINCE:kiss

life aint so bad; i'm doin good; just sleepin through the days; just singing to myself at night and waking the neighbors; listening to the smiths and prince and eating apples;watching INDIANA JONES and HOOK and MY PRIVATE IDAHO; river phoenix is hot stuff.

XANGA LOVES ME
BUT NOT MORE THAN LIVEJOURNAL

winter break is great; i've been sleeping most of it; i'm such a sleepyhead; staying up until 3 watching old 80s movies and sleeping in until 2; i keep having nightmares about school starting........ that i'll miss a class or my teachers will be weird or i'll be late or something; and i'm still having nightmares about the schoolbus; i'm so afraid of missing it.
but all i have to say
to the world is
whatev.

12:55 p.m.

i feel like fading / Sunday, December 14, 2003
i'm so pathetic
and selfish, yeah, what a hypocrite
because right now i wish catie would let me apologize to her
but i doubt she'd let me or accept it
and i really doubt she reads this anymore
so i guess it's pointless to whine about it
i was the one who was an asshole, anyways
i was working on mikey's letter yesterday
actually i barely started
i was too out of it
i wish i were different
i feel different but i know it's not for long
i want to make things better
i want to apologize to her, i want to introduce myself to him, i want things to be better
i don't want to burn my bridges
or leave bad blood
so i'm sorry
here's my apology... i'm sorry
for being a bad friend and a bad person
and a bad girlfriend
and for not saying hello

all i can think about right now is how, maybe, things could have been different.maybe if i would have said hello, we would have started talking online or over the phone and start hanging out and being really close and then i would have been with him and would have made him wear that fucking lifejacket, and then he wouldn't have drowned, and he would still be alive, and no one would have been sad, no one would be suicidal, and i wouldn't be sitting here, thinking "why do i mess up so much?"

it's a longshot. i probably would have never become close to him. it probably would have never gone past "Hello my name is..." but i wouldn't feel so regretful.

i prayed so hard last night. i never pray. i cried so hard. i asked god to take care of seth, to take care of his family, and to take care of his friends. i asked god, really quietly, to tell seth that the first thing i'll do when i get to heaven is find him and say
"Hello, my name is Ashley."

12:27 p.m.

needle / Tuesday, December 9, 2003
down downstairs to the man
he's gonna make it all OK
i can't beat myself
i can't beat myself
and i don't want to talk
i'm taking the cure so i can be quiet
whenever i want
so leave me alone
you ought to be proud that i'm getting good marks

most of the day i felt like crying but i just smiled
i saw catie even though i didn't
i shouldn't have
wasn't supposed to
and that's when i couldn't smile
so who really cares
i don't think i have problems
i just feel too much.

i feel old i feel young i feel stupid i feel alone i feel crowded i feel untalented i feel cocky i feel creative i feel awkward i feel anger i feel lust i feel shut out i feel shut in i feel blinded i feed overexposed i feel dry and mean and horrible and lonely. and when you add up all of those things, they cancel each other out, and i don't feel anything at all.

"who cares"
i guess it doesn't matter all too much
in a few years i'll have a different life, live in a new town with new people,
and i'll come to realize how pointless it is to take life seriously,
to waste away my days, lying in bed, wishing i were somewhere else
who cares.

04:57 p.m.

NAAWW-CE / Wednesday, December 3, 2003
look at that layout. whoo! it has color! today was grand. before school Sir Quince-a-lot, Justin P-Owl and i made a lovely snowman. it was just grand. but someone smashed it! :( all that hard work! i labored for hours! not really. quincy made it, we just stood around and cheered him on.

but i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm alright. i'm fine.

a couple days ago i was really really depressed, and the reason was really stupid. but thinks are lookin' up. the only thing now that could make my life just soar is to talk to Michael. i miss him so much. i keep thinking "maybe it'll pass.. don't worry yet.." but every few days i think really hard on it, and every deep thought session makes it seem more and more lost. but i'm alright. i'll survive.

school is so easy. i wish my classes were harder. i wish i would have taken Pre-IB English for sophomores. maybe i would have been in Quincy's class again. that would have been rad. i don't think i want to transfer at semester tho. Darcy's in my boring english class, and she's hilarious. so i'll just stick with it and get good grades. but next year, i am so totally going IB. i can't stand boring english or history teachers. english/histor are my favorite subjects.

anyways i figure i'd update, even if no one reads this, and announce that i'm alive and kicking.

nite lite is this fri/sat!!!!! I'M SO STOKED. so many people are going this year. flattery leads to ruins will be there.. robin cruce. epticol. yee haw. i don't like hardcore music, actually, but the people going are gnarly. i really hope erika/beckee/amee are all gonna go. i hope i hope. i need a buddy(s) to latch onto.

anyways, if you live in lees summit, you better go to nite lite, man! and if you don't live in lees summit.. well.. lucky you.

"DID YOUR PARENTS LOSE A BET WITH GOD?"-a.wilcox (wot a funny man)

08:09 p.m.

OVERSEXED / Saturday, November 22, 2003
i feel really sick, i do no recommend eating only sunflower seeds for two days. i wish i knew how to make myself puke, because i feel like puking would make me feel better.

last night i felt something. it was so weird. i just finished watching a good movie on TV, called Powder, and i felt a presence or something of the sorts. it felt like someone was sitting on my bed, and i turned around, but of course no one was there. but i wasn't scared, it wasn't a scary presence, it was so loving. i looked around for a minute in the dark, with only my bathroom light on, and i was lying down in the middle of my floor looking up at the ceiling, and i said aloud, "I can feel you, and I don't know who you are. Maybe you're my grandfather, or God, or an angel, or someone I know who has just died, or someone I don't know at all. But thanks." Whoever it was, they made a really lonely feeling go away. After a long silence, where I just soaked up all the affection I felt from this presence, it started to drift but I still felt an afterglow. I decided to go to bed, and I slept in peace.

in art on friday i was sitting next to a boy named Kyle, and we were talking about stuff and i found out he was really into martial arts. i said something like "get up and do a kick!" but he refused. i prodded him and he said he couldn't. i asked why and he said that it's his own personal rule to never, unless he's forced to, use martial arts out of the school where he teaches. he's even a black belt. i was pleasantly surprised, and felt a little ashamed for asking him to show me his moves. but i admired his morals, those types of morals are hard to come by.

"Now listen.. are you listenin'? I'm about to tell you something very important. Listenin'? Never.. marry a man, who aint a cowboy. Never, ever. Because a real cowboy is a gentleman everywhere, everywhere, except in bed."
-my late (cowboy)grandpop Dwaine

11:53 a.m.

MOONLIGHTSONATA / Wednesday, November 19, 2003
it's been a while.

i have too much to say
and so little words
and so little time
and so little strength
and all i can really muster,
is my honesty and arrogance when i say

"i feel alone."

i want a place in a group where i feel secure, where i don't feel the need to pull away. (the person who got the closest to me was shattered) but i'm giving myself too much credit.

all i can do is cry out with pretty words and wait for a non-existant saviour
and have another reason to cry when everything passes me by
because misery loves to be miserable more than it loves company

i've lost three
three
three people i held the closest
a dreamer dies
a writer cries
an artist just tends to fade away

i want you back, but only so i can slowly hurt you again
only because it's inevitable
only because i can only hold you with claws
i wish it could be different, and maybe something has shifted and changed, and maybe it could have been, but the past is the past, and i'm the person who always says to never regret because things are as they were always meant to be, history is unchangable. but i regret that i wasn't thinking more of you, thinking of what's best, thinking of what i should have done instead of what i wanted to do.

but all i can do is whine, because i'm good at it, and because i like doing it. like a guilty pleasure. brooding.. making things harder, more complicated, more painful. it feels good.

08:13 p.m.

maybe not / Tuesday, November 4, 2003

i don't
know
what to do
anymore.

tell me what i'm supposed to be doing or saying, tell me what advice i should be giving, what i should be thinking and feeling. with all these things out of the way i'm going to be a better person. but is that what i want?

i hate people. especially the two girls sitting next to me.

they're loud.

i'd kind of enjoy impaling them,
such as Vlad Teppes. their voices are making me head ache.

anyways. i'm feeling strange. i've been slapped in the face.. uh.. twice today. at least they thought it was funny when i caught my glasses. ahahahahhaa. you guys have such a sense of humor.

oh my god. forget impaling. now i just want them to die as soon as possible. please tell this girl to shut her mouth and to stay off crack. they're laughing at emoticons.

I WANNA SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE !!!!!!!!!!
yeah. but not right now.

12:01 p.m.

melan / Friday, October 31, 2003
last night my mother and i actually talked. we never really talk.

i got vampire teeth and wore them today. the putty stuff DOES NOT WORK. don't bother with the putty. my teeth were falling out during class, and the teacher was passing out candy and gum, and i thought, "would gum work?"
it does. wonderfully, in fact. and it taste a whole lot better.

i don't know what i'm doing tonight. i want to do something badly. we'll see. we'll see.

choly.

11:58 a.m.

i guess it's spelled diesel / Wednesday, October 29, 2003
today was a nice day.

i felt really bad before second hour, though. i was talking to erika, and justin came up and put one arm around my neck and the other around hers, giving us a big hug. i was reaching around to put my arm over erika's shoulder and have a group hug, but i jacked her in the teeth on accident. i said i was sorry, but we were both laughing/in pain at the same time, so it wasn't really sincere. it wasn't until my finger started bleeding (her teeth are sharp..) that i realized how hard i hit her. i went over to her at lunch and apologized, but she forgot i punched her and i had to remind her... [laughs]

in drawing 1, my last class of the day (it's a block class.. two hours of art baybay) went a lot better than i first thought it would be. see, our highschool is surrounded by houses.. some of this houses date back to the 1800s. so painting and drawing classes go out there and do pictures of a house.

it seems like right about now is when my classes are getting really enjoyable. at the beginning of the year, it's so strange.. you don't know anyone in your classes.. you feel out of place because other people know each other. but it's getting to the point where we all know each other, and it's more comfortable.

in drawing 1, there's a boy i've admired since the first drawings of his i've seen. but like usual, i saw him as "above me" i guess.. he's a senior and so talented. after a while he started to recognize me out of class, and send me a crooked smile and such. today i didn't know how to get to the church i was drawing, and he said i could follow him because his house is so near to the church. so we walked together and talked a little to kill the time. i love that part of getting to know people, just talking. you find out so much. like i found out this is the first year he's really ever taken art classes.. he wants to go into comm/graphics design. just that kind of stuff.

so i'm pretty happy.

yesterday sucked, though.

nutshell of yesterday:
-stepdad
-sick mother
-allergies
-depressed michael
-"friends"
-finished a book

and some other unnamed things. but today was good, today made up for things. and church is tonight. i hope church goes well, and doesn't screw up one of my few days where i go to bed happy, not feeling empty.....

btw, i didn't get into the summer art academy thing. it doesn't bother me, despite how much my mom and teacher believe i'm secretly sad about it. for a while there i was thinking "man, i'm gonna get this thing for sure." i'm glad i realized how selfish that was to think and brought myself down to where i belonged. i told myself not to hope for anything, because the higher my hopes and harder i fall. and i didn't hope at all, so my feet were on the ground the entire time.

"maybe next year".
someone kidnap me this weekend
i need something to happen to me
i feel jittery
i need something.

03:19 p.m.

welcome home? / Sunday, October 26, 2003
i had a nice weekend. i'll write about all the things that happened later, but it was nice. lots of kids all over missouri... branson was so tacky that it was okay we were stuck in standstill traffic for a half hour, we just read all the neon signs.

i came home to a depressed mother, which made an okay weekend, a couple of days that made me hope things would get better, and pull it all back down. she asked me how she'll ever be happy when i'm gone, that she missed me so much. jim hurts her, with his ego and his harshness. i think she thought after being together for 6 years, he would get old and mellow out. but things are just as rough as they've always been.

i don't know what to tell her. i can't say "everything will work out" because i told her that years and years ago. i just don't understand how someone can love you and bring you so much pain on purpose.

i told my mother that a boy, a friend of erika, might take us to the mall. we were standing in the kitchen and she was setting out dough on a pan to make apple turnovers. she started crying and told me she had a dream about a carwreck last night, a really bad one. she wouldn't look at me, she seemed almost ashamed. when she acts like that, it makes me want to get away, push her away and run up to my room and slam the door. i hate this feeling, i hate people needing me to be happy. i hate being expected to love and be loving. i love my mother, but i hate moments like those. i hate having my heart wrenched. but when she started to cry, even if i felt a burning anger.. no, not anger.. something deeper... i couldn't stop my hand from flying up and wiping her tears. that made me feel worse, made me feel disgusted. i don't know why. don't ask me why. i don't like this, i don't like forcing myself to be vulnerable or to care. why do you think i pushed catie away? i was vulnerable to her and she was vulnerable to me. how could i ever look at her again?

i'm angry at myself right now, mostly because of the fact i feel so badly for doing nothing. i feel guilty for going out today, but i'm going to hide it, because that's what i do, i hide my feelings, and i am going to go to the fucking mall and buy some vampire teeth for friday, because i like not caring and going on about my life.

how.... in the world, will i ever find love, if i hate feeling vulnerable so much? a thousand apologizes. a thousand apologizes.

09:36 a.m.

regurgitate some sorry tale / Thursday, October 23, 2003
haircut at 3 . conference this fri & sat . flashlight wars . gokarts . sunday=mall with erika . lets hope to find some vampire teeth at spencers ? i feel bad . naughty me . . . . nah , i don't feel that bad about it .

COLOR ME GREEN, I DON'T CARE, YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE, YOU REALIZED IT TOO LATE. I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! DON'T COME BACK, YOU FOUND OTHERS, JUST LIKE I SAID YOU WOULD! DON'T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE!

comforts of repetition
---kira.xo

01:10 p.m.

proverbial thorn / Wednesday, October 15, 2003
the androgynous figure on my layout reminds me of voltaic for no reason. i've been thinking of him a lot, and i guess it's only worsening my moods, but i can't help it. i cared about him more than i have for a friend in a long time, and that feeling of loss that i know i need to get over, just keeps lingering. i wonder how long it will take until it disappears? i hope soon.

i don't have a mood lately. things get worse, better, worse, better. so everything is a standstill. i'm blank. i care but i don't show it. i'm here but i seem to be elsewhere. i stare off into space but i'm really looking at you. don't worry about it

07:15 a.m

stray cat strut / Sunday, October 12, 2003
i started a short story last night. i'm not telling you where it came from, cos..... well, i'm not gonna.

draft uno of BURN THE BRIDGES
BURN THE BRIDGES >> shortie

tell me wot you think in my guestbook, ne?
I GOT CAT CLASS 'N' I GOT CAT STYLExo

07:37 p.m.

shake it / Friday, October 10, 2003
hum dee dum. i'm sitting in the school library at 7:14 AM, deciding to post in here that i am indeed grounded. the reason aint that important, but it's a doozy. i'm kind of wondering if i'll ever get online again..?

i was chosen to be a candidate for the art academy deal. basically, i have to fill out some paper work and write an essay why art makes me unique. and you all know how much i like to write about myself, so this'll be a sinch.

things are okay. life is okay. everything is..okay. nothing is great or bad.. things are always the same. at a standstill. and that's alright with me. i'd rather things be overly boring, than be awful, right? right. right. (i'll keep saying it so i believe it...)

well, i bet amy and erika and becky and jerimy are in the cafeteria, waiting for me, so i better get out of here.

love you, michael. love you, volt. love you, everyone.
ash.xo

07:14 a.m.

the longer i lay here / Saturday, October 4, 2003
i had a wonderful dream.

i stood there, glowing in my white wedding dress, my hair done up and my family all around. but i frowned and everyone started talking at once, fretting over me and calling for other people. i had mud all over me! but i laughed, and said i would just get married tomorrow instead.

so i decided to go against the rule that you shouldn't see the groom before the wedding and snuck into his work office. i hid in there, planning to surprise him when he came back in. but i was there for hours, and they started turning off the lights to the building, and so i decided to venture out...

near his office was a kitchen, and there he was, dressed as an old woman and cooking. i ran up behind him and tickled him, jumping up on his back and hugging him around his neck. i remember how soft his back was and i remember resting my head on the back of his neck. he laughed so happily.

"you got me!" he was dressed like an old lady to disguise himself, because he knew i'd try and see him.

i was so happy with michael. and i woke up with the biggest smile. i don't remember any of my other dreams, probably because that was the one that was actually important to me.

10:27 a.m.

i really really don't like kids / Thursday, October 2, 2003
(this was originally an e-mail to a good buddy. i have nothing to say in here, so i guess i'll post it.)

i can�t figure out if this was a bad day or a good one. that�s usually how my day goes.

around 6:30 in the afternoon, my grandfather picked me up in the church van to take me to church. he picked up 4 other little girls.. all loud, obnoxious, spoiled, and bratty. there was a mean, snotty girl with long red hair and glasses... a tiny little girl, probably 4 or 5, who just liked to make lots of noise and hear herself talk... the tiny girl�s sister, Maddy, who liked to complain and want things her way. And then Maddy�s older sister, Jessica, who was probably around 7 or 8 and liked to tease and call Maddy names, and bop her on the head so Maddy would break out into blatantly fake wails.

we got to church and such, late of course, and i walk in as everyone�s worshiping. alright. there weren�t any chairs, for some reason. so we had service, and all the while, i wished there was someone there with me i actually knew. i was friendly with a girl, but i don�t even remember her name. wait......Sara, i think it was.

at the end, pastor Andrew said that we would pray and worship as long as we�d like. after about 10 minutes, i slipped my jacket on and went out, feeling a little guilty as everyone else were on their knees, praying.

i don�t know. i need to talk to God. i need to give up a lot of stuff, but i love sin so much. i think i need someone, someone more like me.

i got a cherry coke and sat outside on the curb, looking up at the stars. i zipped up my jacket and laid on my back on the sidewalk. i remember, several years ago, i did the very same thing on that very same sidewalk. i snuck out of the class early, because i hated it, i really did. i felt so strange, i didn�t really want to be there, but it made my grandmother happy. i snuck outside, and laid down in the cold with my jacket zipped up tight and over my chin, and just stared at all the stars. i feel so much closer to God by myself, staring upwards, than i do in a worship room.

i smiled, a little. it felt nice.. to be in the same place i was in so long ago. i wonder how much i changed since then? i wonder what i thought when i stared at the stars, just like i was doing now? i laughed out, glancing around to see if anyone had witnessed my self-induced giggle.

i got up and went to the van when my grandfather pulled up, ready to take the kids and i home. but he wasn�t ready, he had to round everyone up. so i wandered back to the church, and opened a door, standing there with my heel wedged back so the door stayed open. a woman walked through, without a word or even looking at me. several girls ran through. an old lady waddled out. i guess about 8 people went through that door i held open, and i smiled at each and every one of them.. only one lady looked at me, and she looked pretty snobby herself. she looked up as i smiled, and completely ignored my friendliness.. she looked me up and down as she passed, as if i was something not to be conversed with. after being the door person, and feeling like a doormat myself, i left the stupid door in a slight irritation, and went towards the idle van.

i climbed in while all the girls searched for Maddy and her little sister, closing the door and enjoying the darkness and silence, sitting with my back to the window and legs across the seat. the van smelled faintly like gasoline, but it always does.

Maddy clung to Andrea�s hand, Andrea being the middle-aged driver of the other church van. Andrea scooped up Maddy and sat her down in the van, and talked to her a little while. Maddy tried to open a window, but was soon scolded. she sunk in her seat, frowning expressively at Andrea with her little arms folded, and gave a huff in her pout. Andrea told her to stay in the car, because she had to go find some of the kids. She closed the door.

Maddy gathered up her shoes and a few papers scribbled with crayons and crawled back to me. �I wanna sit next to you,� she said in that squeaky, tiny voice of hers. i leaned deep into the seat, without a word, so that she could get through.

She tossed her shoes on the floor of the van and got up on her knees, looking out one of the windows at the back of the bus. she tried to open that window, but i guess she was too weak to do it. she whined a little to me, �why won�t it open?�

i kinda just shrugged and mumbled �idunno.�

suddenly Maddy got the idea her little sister was lost, and started wailing �they can�t find my baby sister!� i assured her that i had seen her sister minutes ago, but her lip trembled and she started to push her way toward the door. she struggled with the latch, and finally pushed it open, and ran out into the church. i stared at the open door she found no need to close, and the bright lights that had turned on because of it. i gathered my wool scarf up, shoved it up to my face, and gave a muffled scream of frustration.

finally, the kids were rounded up and practically shoved into the van, and we were on the way. Maddy pushed her way back to the back seat again, and banged on the windows, yelling out goodbyes to some little boy. she whined to my grandfather as he pulled out of the parking lot, �i want logan to come!� she screamed at the top of her lungs, and i suddenly found the disturbing urge to kick her in the face. she wailed and blubbered about how she wanted Logan, and cried and kicked the seat and distorted her face so much she looked like a beached fish gasping for breath. i pulled my jacket over my head.

Maddy�s older sister, Jessica, started belting out something that sounded like �he�s mean� or �hit me�.. i couldn�t tell. she kept repeating the phrase over and over again, getting louder each time, until she was screaming at the top of her annoying lungs. the red head smacked her across the shoulder and told her sharply to be quiet, and they both stuck their tongues out at each other and called each other vulgar names, such as �buttface� and �retard�.

i was very very sad that i had no CD player with me, and even if i had brought it, the batteries were nearly dead.

thankfully the girls don�t live too far from the church, and so they weren�t screaming and causing headaches for too long. Maddy looked around when we got to her house, and then quickly dropped to the seat and curled up, as if she were asleep. no one could get her to get out, because she wouldn�t answer anyone. finally her father came in and gathered her up, cooing at her as she clung to his neck and grunted �sleepily�. i searched for her boots underneath the seats and handed them to him, and he carried her out to his house. i felt sickened at how spoiled that little girl was.

i had a horrible headache... my brains echoed with screams of wanting logans and screams of wanting purses and toys and fake blubbering and the like. but it was silent now, and i was very grateful.

when grandpa came to my driveway and hit the curb, i hit my head on the metal siding of the bus, which i had rested my head so very gently onto. i rubbed it as he pulled up and told me he loved me. i said the same to him and climbed out, feeling pretty irritated. little did i know how much more irritated i would become as i walked up to our door, and peeked into the living room through the glass before ringing the doorbell. my stepfather had his leg draped over the arm of the couch, something i got in deep trouble for twice over. i grinded my teeth together and poked at the doorbell.

my mom opened it, smiling. i mustered up a smile for her and stepped inside. i glanced at Jim again.. both feet now flat on the floor. what a hypocrite. i don�t understand why all his rules apply to everyone but him. he has this thirst for power and making others submit to his power. i don�t understand him at all.. i�m thankful he doesn�t hit me, or do anything else, but i don�t see why he�s so mean. our house is so cold with him in it. things are loose and fun until he gets home.. then everyone, my mother, stepbrother, and i... we change. we stop having fun and being a family, and start worrying about doing something wrong to upset Jim. i have zero respect for him, and i know that�s what he craves.

i will never respect someone just because i�m expected to. EVERYONE earns respect, no matter who you are. you can�t demand it, it�s something you gain. if you demand respect without respecting other people, you�re just being a selfish moron with a superiority complex.

there was a basket of toys on the stairs up to my room, and when my mother does that it means she was too lazy to carry it upstairs herself. i can�t get up the stairs without taking the basket, so i picked it up, and took it upstairs to the guest room. then i went to my room, which is directly across from the guest room, and collapsed. i felt like crying. i felt like shit. i felt angry.

and here i am, still feeling weird. maybe sleeping will help.

.............

03:28 p.m.

neurons re-align / Tuesday, September 30, 2003
this morning, catie pulled me aside. i was a little blown away, so i only remember bits and pieces of what she said.. mainly, i just watched her mouth move. i feel like an idiot for it. when she walked away, i just kinda looked after her. it wasn't until she was halfway across the cafeteria i realized ..."shit, i probably should have said something."

even if i did, it probably wouldn't have been the right thing, and i still don't know what the "right thing" to say is. not a clue.

after school, i was walking with becky, and it was rainy outside and so our shoes were really slick.. or at least, hers was. we were going up the stairs and i was going up fast and she was trying to catch up, and fell on the top step. we both started laughing and i went to help her up, and this freshman laughed as loud as she could, saying "oh god, that girl totally fell!" to her friend. she even made sound affects, laughing, like "boom!".

i was furious. she was being obnoxious, and even after it was over with she kept talking about it as we all walked to go the our buses. i couldn't control my temper.

"hey, you know how rude it is to talk about someone like that right in front of them?" she glanced at me but didn't have the balls to even apologize. "bitch", i muttered.

i was too frusterated, and when i think back on it, i regret not shutting my mouth before the "bitch" part. how could someone be that obnoxious, that outright rude? i just can't believe it.

becky says it's no big deal.. i guess it really isn't, but it's been a long time since i've ever been so offended.

at about six-thirty, my mother drove me out to horse riding lessons. since she's going to get a couple horses soon enough, i wanted to learn how to take care and ride horses properly. it was the first meeting, so all we did was go over the rules and curriculum. we met some of the horses there... there was this 17-hand tall white horse, it just towered above everyone.. it was HUGE. a gentle horse, though. very gentle.

i'm looking forward to church tomorrow.. maybe it's because i have few things to look forward to. for christ sake, i look forward to school. my life is getting duller by the day... but i guess that's not really a bad thing.

08:32 p.m.

my mother's wish has come true / Monday, September 29, 2003
i am completely bored with the internet.

i sit here, and i pull up catie's livejournal, and start reading it out of habit. then i realize.. oh yeah. i probably shouldn't. and i close it.

i don't want to e-mail anyone. because i hate that feeling! i hate never getting an e-mail back, but wanting one so badly! tanner is the one person that ever really e-mails me back, and i'm thankful for it.

anime doesn't interest me anymore. manga does, and novels do, but i hate anime nowadays. i hate the stereotypical anime.. the girl winking and the one leg kicked out behind her and a short skirt daring to expose some panties and a peace sign being held up at an angle. i hate it. i hate anime.

i've been called a nympho twice in my life, and the second time, i just suddenly lost all interest in sex or anything of the like. gay guys aren't sexy anymore. sex actually disgusts me now, and i don't understand. it seems so.. animalistic. all the grunting and the.. ugh.

as i said above, i lost all interest in the internet. chats... ugh. i only talk to a couple people online, even if i have over a hundred buddies. i oekaki. that's about it. and i write in my xanga, and read other people's xanga. hmm. fun.

i just want to know where everyone went, the people i was so connected with and made me want to get online. i just couldn't care less anymore if i got grounded from the internet, or even had the computer taken away. it wouldn't be a loss to me.

you ask me to not "leave you", but you're not even here.

04:10 p.m.

i hate these just as much as i love them. / Sunday, September 28, 2003
YOUR NAME: ashley
WHO NAMED YOU: mama
NICKNAME(S): ashii, ash, binky
IF YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: Sir Ashley
WHERE IS THE IDEAL PLACE TO LIVE?: downtown, near all the museums and caf�s and stores, in a apartment with a friend that we've decorated the snot out of with weirdness and artistic nonsense.
BIRTHDAY: 5.3.'88
HAIR COLOR: light brown
EYE COLOR: light blue
HEIGHT: 5 '7",give or take
SHOE SIZE: 8.5
RIGHTY OR LEFTY: right.
DO YOU HAVE BRACES?: naw
DO YOU HAVE GLASSES?: yes
ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?: nope
IF NOT, HOW MANY BROTHERS AND/OR SISTERS DO YOU HAVE?: a sister and two bruddahs.
DO HAVE ANY PETS?: yeah, a pain in the ass named jazz.

-Have You Ever-
DONE ANYTHING ILLEGAL?: oh please. me?
SET ANY BODY PART ONE FIRE FOR AMUSEMENT: sounds like a good time
CUT YOUR HAIR?: yesah
GONE BUNGEE JUMPING?: i like the ground.
KEPT A SECRET FROM SOMEONE?: oh yes.
HAD AN IMAGINARY FRIEND?: they always get bored with me and leave me for some other kid that has cooler toys than me.
WATCHED A SUNRISE/SUNSET?: i prefer to sleep.
WENT TO THE BEACH AT NIGHT?: i wish!
READ A BOOK FOR FUN?: i love reading
LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED?: quite often
CRIED UNTIL YOU LAUGHED?: my mother does that when i cry.. she says something stupid and makes me laugh when i don't want to.
CRIED DURING A FLICK?: rarely
CRIED DURING A CARTOON?: lion king. :( mufasa!!
SPRAINED ANY PART OF YOUR BODY?: i'm too clutzy not to.
BROKE ANY BONE?: surprisingly, no.
CHIPPED A TOOTH?: once
BEEN ATTACKED BY AN ANIMAL?: my dog likes to think of me as target practice
GONE SNOWBOARDING?: sounds painful
GONE SKATEBOARDING?: i'd rather snowboard than skateboard. concrete VS snow. hmmm.
WISHED UPON A STAR?: yah yah
BEEN ON STAGE?: unfortunately
BEEN ON THE RADIO?: i wanna talk to lazlo!
BEEN REALLY MEAN?: why yes
BEEN SARCASTIC?: too often
MET SOMEONE NEW?: i love to, but sadly it doesn't happen often enough.
TALKED TO SOMEONE YOU HAD A CRUSH ON?: i guess, my crushes are fleeting
MISSED SOMEONE?: yup... (volt, tannah, mikey, lee)
HUGGED SOMEONE?: not a 'real' hug.
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS?: RAREly.
HIT ONE OF YOUR PARENTS?: i'd never do that.
HOOKED UP TWO OF YOUR FRIENDS?: yay.
WANTED TO HOOK UP TWO OF YOUR FRIENDS?: yay.
HOOKED UP WITH A FRIEND?: once
WANTED TO HOOK UP WITH A FRIEND?: not really

-Friends-
DO YOUR PARENTS LIKE YOUR FRIENDS?: my mother likes all my friends, oddly enough.
DO YOUR FRIENDS LIKE YOUR PARENTS?: everyone tells me i have the best mom in the world. i do.
WHO HAVE YOU KNOWN THE LONGEST OF YOUR FRIENDS?: amy gentry
WHO'S THE LOUDEST?: me
WHO'S THE SHYEST?: becky and ames
FUNNIEST?: becky
CRAZIEST?: quincy and sean
SMARTEST?: amy
CUTEST?: me!!
SWEETEST?: beck
TALLEST?: chaz
SHORTEST?: beckee
WHO DO YOU GO TO FOR ADVICE?: becky
WHO DO YOU SHARE YOUR SECRETS WITH?: beck
WHO DO YOU CRY WITH?: no one.

-Favorites-
NAME: anything abnormal
COLOR: black, white, red
NUMBER: 3
MEMORY: i dunno. there's nothing spectacular that sticks out.
DAY OF THE YEAR: christmas.
DAY OF THE WEEK: friday.
SOUND: music
SMELL: summer nights
FEELING: being cared about, thought of, acknowledged.
FOOD: chinese and italian
Drink: Dr Pepper, frappuccino, italian soda, and green tea with plum juice.
SPORT: ........walking.
SCHOOL SUBJECT: math, lit, art, world history.
STYLE OF MUSIC: everything (minus RAP/COUNTRY/TECHNO/POP)
BANDS/SINGERS: pedro the lion, cursive, bright eyes, elliot smith, interpol, pixies, copeland, radiohead, ben folds five, goo goo dolls, foo fighters, blur, bush, cake, deftones, vendetta red, tegan and sara, nine inch nails, weezer.
CD ALBUM: soundtracks
TV SHOW: six feet under
MOVIE: donnie darko, monty pyton and the holy grail
WEBSITE: pitas, xanga, chiaroscuro, glitter, sakura-crisis...
HANGOUT: my fucking room.
STORE: boomerang
CLOTHES BRAND: i dunno any brands. i buy what i like.
SHOE BRAND: chucks, reebok, adidas
BOOK: interview with a vampire, the vampire lestat, how to deal....
CAR: anything that moves
SOAP: whatever my mom buys.
SHAMPOO: pro-v
TOOTHPASTE: crest
ONLINE SMILEY: :|
ONLINE SAYING: lol
CARTOON CHARACTER: all of them.
ANIMAL: wolves
THING TO DO FOR FUN: anything. at all.
TIME WASTER: coloring in my fingernails with sharpies

-Decisions!-
DAY OR NIGHT?: night
SUMMER OR WINTER?: spring :)
LACE OR SATIN?: ew
HEAVEN OR HELL?: gee i wonder.
SCHOOL OR NO SCHOOL?: i like school.
LUST OR LOVE?: lust
TALK TO PEOPLE ON THE PHONE OR IN PERSON?: in person
OCEAN OR POOL?: ocean
SILVER OR GOLD?: silver
DIAMONDS OR PEARLS?: diamonds
TACO OR BURRITO?: burrito, but not bean burritos
SUNRISE OR SUNSET?: too busy sleeping to care
SKIING OR SNOWBOARDING?: neither
SNOWBOARDING OR SURFING?: surfing
BIKING OR BLADING?: blading
CAKE OR COOKIES?: cookies
CAKE OR PIE?: cake
GLOVES OR MITTENS?: mittens
BUNK OR WATERBED?: waterbed
CHEWING GUM OR HARD CANDY?: gum
ROOT BEER OR DR. PEPPER?: ah.. both!
COKE OR PEPSI?: ew
WITH OR WITHOUT ICE?: without
CRUSHED OR CUBED?: cubed
HOT TEA OR ICED TEA?: iced
CAPPACINO OR COFFEE?: cappacino
CAPPACINO OR HOT COCOA?: cappacino
CATS OR DOGS?: dogs
IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?: the glass has milk in it, end of story.
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE?: vanilla
MILK, DARK, OR WHITE CHOCOLATE?: milk
ROMANTIC, ACTION, COMEDY, HORROR?: drama and comedy
WINTER, SUMMER, FALL,OR SPRING?: spring

-Do you believe in-
GOD: ya
SATAN: ya
HEAVEN: ya
HELL: ya
THE BIG BANG THEORY: yes
EVOLUTION: yes
PREMARITAL SEX: yes
LOVE: yes
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: no
LUCK: no
BAD-LUCK: no
GHOSTS: no
ALIENS: yes
DEMONS: yes
THE CLOSET MONSTER: no
SUPERSTITIONS: yes
BLACK MAGIC: no
TAROT CARDS: no
OUIJI BOARD: no

-the opposite sex-
WHATS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?: when they treat you like a lady
WHAT IS THE WORST THING ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?: their struggle to keep up a firm masculinity
ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?: no
WHO WAS YOUR FIRST CRUSH?: some boy when i was 6
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?: yes
WHO WERE YOU IN LOVE WITH?: michael
DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND?: yes, in a way
DOES HE/SHE HAVE A NAME?: no, his parents were lazy.
WHO DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH?: myself.
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?: outside
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?: somewhere far away
WHAT WILL YOU DO SPECIAL FOR YOUR HUSBAND/WIFE?: uh.
DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS?: not for a long time
WHAT WILL THE NAME OF YOUR FIRST SON BE?: something weird
WHAT ABOUT THE NAME OF YOUR FIRST DAUGHTER? something weirder

-Misc. Questions-
DO YOU LIKE SCHOOL?: yes
DO YOU LIKE TO TALK ON THE TELEPHONE?: no
DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LINE?: no
DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?: no
DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A GOOD LISTENER?: yes
DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?: yes
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?: yes
IS CHEERLEADING SOMETHING YOU CONSIDER A SPORT?: not a good one
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?: white and pink
WHAT IS ONE OF YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVES?: people
WHAT IS THE HARDEST THING ABOUT GROWING UP?: growing up.
WHAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE?: ......
WHAT IS THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: regret, guilt
IF YOU COULD CHANGE SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF WHAT WOULD IT BE?: to be stronger.

-Visuals-
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?: track pants, t-shirt, huge sweater.
HOW MANY BUDDIES DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR LIST?: 136
HOW MANY BUDDIES ARE ONLINE?: 16
HOW MANY BUDDIES ARE YOU TALKING TO?: 1, tommy
WHAT ROOM ARE YOU IN NOW?: computer room.
WHAT COLOR ARE THE WALLS?: white with tacky wallpaper.
WHAT ARE ON THE WALLS?: nothing.
WHAT KIND OF FLOOR DO YOU HAVE?: red stone tile. it's colder than fuck.
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE OUTSIDE?: cold. and it is.
WHAT IS THE WEATHER LIKE?: COLD.
WHAT IS TO YOUR LEFT?: a wall.
WHAT IS TO YOUR RIGHT?: a window to the backyard.
HAPPY?: no.
SAD?: no.
MAD?: no.
HYPER?: no.
LONELY?: yes.
LAZY?: no.
EXCITED?: no.
LAST THING YOU SAID?: "bye"
LAST THING YOU SAID ONLINE?: "i have to leave in a few minutes"
LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?: grandmother.
LAST FIGHT YOU WERE IN?: catie.
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW?: can't remember.
LAST MOVIE YOU RENTED?: monty python movies
LAST PRANK YOU PLAYED?: i'm bad at pranks
LAST CAR CRASH YOU WERE IN?: never been in one
LAST GOOD ADVICE YOU GAVE SOMEONE?: i don't give good advice.
LAST GOOD ADVICE SOMONE GAVE YOU?: dunno.
LAST CONCERT YOU WENT TO?: arugh.
LAST MUSICAL INSTRUMENT YOU PLAYED?: guitar
LAST PHOTO YOU TOOK?: a picture of jeremy jumping off a chair
LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO?: "where is my mind?" pixies.
LAST SONG YOU SANG?: "say yes" elliot smith
LAST JOB IN THE WORLD YOU WOULD WANT?: i would take any job.
LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: last night.
LAST TIME YOU WERE SAD?: last night.
LAST TIME YOU WERE MAD?: last night.
LAST TIME YOU WERE HAPPY?: dunno.
LAST TIME YOU WANTED TO HIT SOMEBODY?: yesterday
LAST TIME YOU SMOKED A CIGARETTE?: i hate cigarettes
LAST TIME YOU HAD A HAIRCUT?: a while ago
LAST TIME YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM?: this morning
IS THIS SURVEY ANNOYING THE CRAP OUT OF YOU?: no, i'm pathetic like that.

04:28 p.m.

trials from a mathematician / Friday, September 26, 2003
once in their life, every single person should be poor.

it teaches you to appreciate things, and it teaches you humility.

unfortunately, most people never get the experience.. maybe that's why no one is ever at peace anymore. they don't appreciate anything.

07:43 a.m.

see how it is? / Wednesday, September 24, 2003
it doesn't matter my intentions, everything i do is in vain!

everything. it's all useless.

it's like this void that i can't fill, this desire, scorching and roaring higher and higher, and i'm just.. trembling. with it all hidden inside. just trembling, with my hands in my lap and my back straight. i have nothing to provide.

i wish i had the power to just..not care.

09:13 p.m.

i'm a loser. / Wednesday, September 24, 2003
hence, the title.

04:30 p.m.

a few more hours left / Saturday, September 13, 2003
i sat on the bus, facing the opposite window to mine, legs lying across my seat and leaving my feet to dangle off the edge.

i stared out the window, past the frame of a freshman, who i could see was bothered by my stare, because he shifted around. i could see him steal glances at me quickly through the corner of my eye. i wouldn�t allow myself to blink, my eyes wide open and relentless, i watched the trees and cars pass by our bus in a blur. i wasn�t focused on one thing, i wasn�t looking at anything, i saw a range of things at the same time. an interpol song on my headphones put me into a trance that i didn�t care to leave, until Corey waved his hand, a sarcastic look on his face, and i started.

i pulled the headphones from my ears and blinked.

�What?�
He studied me for a minute, and then said startlingly serious,
�Do you ever think of killing yourself?�

i stared in disbelief. why would he care? did he really care?

�Yes..� I mumbled.
He sneered, his lips curling into a smile.
�Good,� he said. �Keep thinking about it.�

i was struck. i felt idiotic for even thinking for a moment he cared. he�s bullied me around since the 5th grade, he�s never changed. i wonder how someone could be so cruel, and there have been times that i thought i saw something underneath, but it wasn�t true. i smiled kindly at him, secretly in spite.

�Sure.� I slipped my headphones back on. he had no idea, or he would never care to know, how far his words reached, how it pushed me more and more toward detachment, when i�m already on my hands and knees, trying to crawl forward. but the waves are too harsh, it�s like trying to run when you�re up to your waist in water.

too harsh.

i didn�t stare out the window anymore. i stared at my wrists.

i wonder if he would even care if i really did it. i wonder if he would think back to that moment and groan. or if he�d even remember, or care.

i stared, until i felt sick, and until my wrists started to ache. whenever i think of certain things, my wrists ache. whether it�s a pain ache, or an ache for something, i don�t know.

i hate the bus. i hate myself more than ever. my GOD do i hate myself.

i hate hate hate, and it�s all because of me, not anyone else.

the only true comfort i have is my music, the songs that pull you into a gentle trance that passes the hours away as you stare, everything around you burning different colors as your eyes ache to blink, but you just don�t care. you don�t care if your ears bleed, you just want it to take over all your senses. you don�t even want to hear your own heartbeat. i have my own drug, this is better than drugs, getting lost somewhere inside while still right in the mind, that�s the best drug there is. that lonely but secure feeling, were you don�t have to worry about hurting or being hurt. you�re not even there, it�s like you never existed at all. just slip away into that other place, where you don�t even think. you just disappear.

i think i am going crazy.

10:45 a.m.

attack of the ghost riders / Friday, September 5, 2003
after 2 weeks on a continous cold, i have but one question:

how in the world can on person have so much freakin snot?!

08:34 p.m.

road trip fiesta / Friday, August 22, 2003
Mom: Get out of the car, Ashley.
Me: No.
Mom: Ashley >O
Me: Iun wanna!
Mom: You're going to turn into a vampire if you don't get some sun!
Me: I like vampires.
Mom: You need to stretch your legs!
Me: No!
Mom: We've been driving for 3 hours!
Me: No!
Mom: Fine. We'll just have to forget about going out to eat chinese tonight like I planned.
Me: *Leaps out of car, huggles mother*
Me: I was just testing you.
Mom: ~_~.... .... O_O! Oh my god!!
Me: *wide eyed, looking around* What?? What??
Mom: You're melting!
Me: >_<

08:37 p.m.

the district sleeps alone tonight / Sunday, July 27, 2003
smeared black ink
your palms are sweaty,
i'm barely listening.

i went to church.

i'm staying with my grandmother, and she's a really firm christian. so i kinda had to. going to church is always refreshing. o_o;

where i am

we got in the big van. grandpa uses it to pick up kids who don't have a ride to church, but since he's at work, grandma janet, great-grandma emma, and i did it. we also had to pick up my great aunties, neva and reba. they both just moved here to be closer. and we had to pick up my niece and nephew. usually they come over saturday and spend the night, but grandma's repainting her living room. she was way too tired.

neva and reba are both in their late 70s.. but they're awfully ornery X_X
neva: it's 100 degrees outside!
reba: think it'll snow tomorra?
neva: lets fix up the sleigh!

they like to be silly, too. like tickling your ear when you're not paying attention to surprise you, or waving at every car that passes. and when they meet someone new, they pull that person way up to their face, eye to eye, almost literally. when i was younger and wanted something, they'd tell me to growl, and put their finger on my throat to feel it. then cackle at me when i growled, and kiss my cheek saying "ohh honaaayyy, aint that cute!" e.e;; they're nutty, but they're sweet.

neva loves mice and reba loves frogs. they have tons of stuffed animals and trinkets of mice and frogs. like a frog plush that has suction cups on its feet, and sticks to their window. or the clock with a mouse on the background. i remember when i was younger, they'd drive up to see me all the time when i was staying at grandma's house. they ALWAYS have presents! i loved anyone with a present for me x.x;

neva used to take me and crystal, her granddaughter, to play on this playground thing in town. it was huge! it had bridges, and towers, and secret hiding places, and tire swings...

so anyways. i sat in the back of the van with a quiet little 6 year old, sipping at my enormous coffee mug, and made funny faces at my 1 year old nephew. he's such a serious little baby. o_O but he *loves* babytalk and when you laugh. otherwise he just stares.

anyways, we finally got everyone in the van, and went to church. we were late, because things kept happening... like neva and reba forgot their hearing aids. or grandma backed up into a ditch. stuff like that.

usually i'm really nervous when going to the teen room. especially when you're late.. that's whe worst. you open the door, and 20 heads turn and look at you. usually, at least 6 or 7 heads are heads that go to your school. but i was so worn out just from getting things and people together, that i could have cared less.

cept when i realized that i got coffee on the chest of my white shirt when we backed into the ditch X_X that was kinda embarassing.

the youth pastor is a really nice guy. good looking, too. o_o short and nice, but funny.

after the buzzer went off, we went into the sanctuary. i sat next to reba. most of the teens all sit together, but i don't know any of them well enough. i couldn't stop looking over there.. they were all talking, and laughing, and some of them were getting their instruments ready to play..

i am a visitor here
i am not permanent.

the reason i don't ever go to church, is because i don't belong. it's so hard to enter a clique of people that are so tight.. they've gone on trips and stuff together and have become as close as family. grandma scolds me for not trying harder to be friends with them, but it just seems like wasted energy to me. i don't really click with any of them.

reba asked me if i was cold, and i wasn't. she rubbed her arms and said she was really cold, so i took off my zip-up sweater and put it over her shoulders. at first she didn't want me to, afraid i would be cold.. but then she took it.

i saw a really cute guy. an cute uncuteness. i'm not attracted to gorgeous guys, because i know that the normal looking ones are the keepers. i'm too jealous of a person, anyways... having girls swooning over my boyfriend all the time would really bust my chops. i prefer the dorky/geeky/silly looking guys. they usually have better personalities anyways.

but when everyone sat down, i saw a girl in an orange tank top sitting really close to him. T_T rats.

i remember a while back, when becky and i went to the mall.. we saw this kinda punkish-looking cutie with a semi afro (sounds iffy, but he was just... glowing adorableness) walking with a prissy-looking girl, just all over her, smiling and putting his arm through hers. she giggled and pushed him away, and he was just enjoying being touched by her. when she wasn't paying attention, he stole a kiss, and she giggled and pushed him off again. becky and i turned into puddles of goo.

i want that.. a guy who's sometimes like a puppy. just wiggling and grinning with happiness, just because you're around. do they exist? or was that adorable afrocutie the last model created?

everyone around me was standing and singing and speaking in tongues while crying. it started to get quiet, that hush of everyone praising god and praying beginning. i looked down and saw the light brown dried stain of coffee on my shirt. so of course it made me think of Volt. i also thought up a new nickname for him: "Mr. Coffeebean". not that it's all that funny, but at the moment it really was, and i stifled my giggles. i pulled the collar of my shirt up and across the bridge of my nose to hide my smirk.

after church we went to KFC and ate the buffet. -_- it was.. kinda gross... the tables weren't clean. and i love old folks, but watching them eat greasy chicken and stuff can be a bit... nauseating. seeing chicken grease all over their fingers and cheeks, i decided to eat a salad.. but i love old people. they're so shameless and simple, like kids. but they have so much history and wisdom. when you're a kid, you don't care if you've got spaghetti sauce in your hair. and when you're old, you don't really care of you pee in your bed. you're old! blame it on your age, who gives a crap.

the van gets so hot, sitting in the sun... by the time we took everyone home, and got home ourselves, we were just sweating bullets... so i whipped off all my clothes X_x;; i'm wearing my PJs for the moment, but... i gotta get ready for church tonight soon. >_< I wonder what'll happen now.

---Kira

02:35 p.m.

man in black / Sunday, July 20, 2003
i sit here now, leaning way back in this creaky computer chair, staring at my AIM buddylist. 14 people are online, and i don't want to talk to any of them. no wait, 15. someone just got on.

i know all these people, and they know me. so why don't i IM them? why don't they IM me? part of me wants to just sit here and stare, until someone actually cares enough to say something to me. i'm tired of caring. i'm tired of pulling it out from my mouth, like an endless string without an end. there is an end. someday i'll find it, and i won't have anything more to pull at. i'll throw it on the floor and stare at it. and then i'll realize... yeah. i wasted it all on people who don't give a flying fuck about me.

like jessica. i love her. i have dreams about being best friends again. i call her every other day to see how she is, and it always ends with her wanting to sleep, or her having to go do something.. usually, if i'm lucky, the conversation lasts at least 45 minutes.

she's a really cool person. i've always cared a lot about her. a year or two ago, we were like sisters. inseperable. joined at the hip, you could say. she used to call me, she used to IM me.. we used to go to movies together, and she used to come over to my house... yeah, not anymore. she's too kind to say it, but i know she doesn't want to. the more i stare at her screenname, the more i stare at the phone, the more i just stare.. i come to realize that she doesn't need me anymore. we were friends when she and i both didn't have a real friend. now she has... tons of them. band friends, mostly... she moved on, because she expanded, and doesn't really need my friendship anymore. i've only collapsed.

i wonder if it's like this forever. you need someone and someone needs you. will they always move on? will they always grow tired of you, or grow out of you? is it like.. clothes, where you outgrow them so easily at first, going through sizes like a madman? will the size ever be constant?

i don't think i need anyone. that's not my problem... i think i need someone to need me.

not desperate needing. not clingy needing. just.. an honest hunger for me. to know me. to understand me.. a steady pace at which i'm being examined and thought of. i want someone to think of me. they don't even have to like me! i just want to be noticed! all i really want is for someone to have some sort of honest, real, passionate emotion towards me. even hate will do.

i'm so tired. i can sleep for days, but i'll still be tired.

i miss tanner. he's the only person i know that's more of a mindfuck than i am. talking to him made me feel a little more normal.

i wish i didn't have to laugh so much. i wish i didn't even feel. aint that kinda pathetic? am i pretty damned sad? yeah, yeah. i've heard that too many times for it to mean anything to me anymore.

sorry for those of you who have told me i write too many depressing entries. i'll try to be a bit brighter next time, cross my heart and hope to die.

-me.

03:33 p.m.

rubber sement X3 / Saturday, July 19, 2003
catie and i started a group blog, and added volterman to it. X3 it's fun. we need just one or two more people, and i'll be satisfied.

i was going through my closet, and found a really cool hat. it's black with an 8-ball on the front o_O i don't remember where i got it, but i've been wearing it all day. return of the hat hair! oh, how i've missed you.

Plush Seishirou: ((where's your brain today? :P))
Sleepy Byakko: [up your ass >O]

we love each other, really we do. o_o.

"The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed."

07:34 p.m.

converse all-star / Sunday, July 13, 2003
[Like usual, as I was grounded from the internet, I wrote stuff on my computer upstairs to post on whiplash or vamoose!. So.. here it is o_o]

WORD SUCKS BUT IT SAVES MY ASS FROM BOREDOM:
#1---
dandruff=snow
i swear to god, i�m going insane. and whatever you do, don�t mess with me or Leroy Brown. He stands about ye high (6�4�), nicknamed Treetop Lover by his ladies, and keeps razors in his shoe. and me.. well, i think i�m around 5�7� or so.. and the only lady i got is catie, and she calls me ashuri.. and my razor isn�t small enough to fit in my shoe. it�s actually really cute... kinda purplish pink. i even have a suction-cup holder for it. it�s so cool, it stays right on the wall of my shower!

god, they play the same song on the radio over and over! i hate evan essence or whatever the crap it�s called. i hate it! i�m the only person in the world who does, but i do! hate hate hate! pretty singing and hard rock don�t fit! it�s like trying to put glitter on a turd! if a woman wants to sing in a rock band, sing like the lady in the Distillers!

and stacy�s mom has got it going on.

arugh! i hate the radio!

i�m in love with stacy�s mom, too.

i�m singing this pathetic song at the moment with a big Wheat Thin in my mouth. and waving my arms around like a fucking monkey.

i am. goi.ng. insan.e.

not even 20 minutes ago i was lying in bed, screaming out the lyrics to the oldies song that was playing on my headphones. i snapped my fingers and shimmied my shoulders and kicked my legs. i wiggled around and waved and bopped. hitting a high note, and lying upside down on my bed, i took a gander at my clock. 4:06 am it read. hohohohohoho. maybe someone will come upstairs and yell at me. i was kinda lonely. so i shook the bed harder and sang louder.

but no. my family are people who are either deaf or heavy sleepers.

i watched the Breakfast Club today on HBO. I LOVE the basket case girl. sometimes i act completely nuts like that, too. i love it when she scratches her head over her drawing and makes her dandruff into snow. i�ve done that before.

i�m so lonely. i wish it didn�t freak catie out so much when i want to cuddle. geez, it�s like if your hand slips once, you�re suddenly a sex fiend!

i wish someone cuddly and snugglable and nice lived right next door to me. and when i go out to play with my dog Jazz, they come out and we have a conversation across the fence about the weather, and then they ask me if i�d like to come over and talk properly, and i do, and we talk for hours and get so lost that it gets dark outside, and i run to call my mother so she doesn�t freak out and file a missing persons report, and then we keep talking and end up cuddling and nuzzling, not in a sexual way but more of a �i am sexually deprived and this is the only touching i�m getting, so be quiet while i nuzzle your shoulder and sigh in contentment, bitch!� ...but in a mutual way. someone i can see doing that with is like, trina. or volt. an� mikey. [but i�m sure if it were mikey, i�d rip off his clothes and have my way with him]

i hate my art! i do! i hate it! hate hate! i hate it when i�m looking at some comic and go �ew, that�s so ugly� and then i really think about it, and realize that the artist i just insulted is frillions times better than i am. i wish i could draw backgrounds. and cars. and machines. and anatomy.

and if you�re one of the people who tell me i�m a perfect artist, i HATE you. you feed me bullshit and make my ego bloat, and i hate you for it, because it hurts so much when i get a direct blow to the ego and it all bursts. combusting egos take a long time to heal, you know. ego ego ego! i just said �ego� 6, no 7 times!! WAHAHAHAHA YAY FOR REPETITION IN WRITING! FUCK THE TEACHERS WHO COMPLAINED ABOUT IT!

god i am such a loser. ever have one of those moments where you realize how pathetic you are? you look at yourself, you look at your life, you look at everything you�ve done so far in life.. and see nothing but wasted time and wasted breath.

i wanna die young. young as in now. i wanna die before i get anywhere in life. i wanna die when people will say at my funeral �i wonder what she would have become in she lived? a professional artist? a wal-mart employee? a writer? a teacher? an astronaut? a construction worker? a mother? a wife? a lesbian? a suicidal? a heroine addict? a lawyer?�

i wanna die while things are good. maybe that seems warped, but do you wanna die in misery? something fast. a car crash, a bullet to the head. never felt the pain, just blacked out and fell to the ground like i was never alive in the first place. i wanna die before i fall in love. because what happens if you fall in love, then leave them? isn�t that selfish? to have someone deeply attached to you, in such a danger of being completely shattered? love is so selfish. whoever said love was wonderful is a fool. love is desires, and wants, pumped up into a moral standard. i don�t have to love you. i don�t have to love anyone. i like everyone equally. i like the angels and the demons, the monsters and the dolls... will i ever meet someone that blows me away? someone so different from the world, so like me, so completely my reflection that i would ever consider them to be lovable?

mikey�s the machine wanting to be human. i guess i�m the machine that wants to love. i don�t care what i am. i want to feel love for someone. it doesn�t matter if they love me back. just feeling it for someone else is enough.

i�m terrified of you. and you. and you, too. i�m terrified of every person i know, or more importantly, i�m terrified of myself in others. their idea of me. their perception. i hate honesty, but i demand it so much.. i want to be lied to, and i want people to tell me i�m perfect, but that won�t leave me in peace. i want someone to love me, and still be able to tell me that i�m an asshole. that�s all.

i wish someone would hug me. wrap their arms around me and pull me down onto a couch, or a bed, or even the floor, and just hug me. i need a hug. i need a something. i need affection, and i don�t care who it�s from. aint that dangerous? i want someone to touch me. tap my nose, ruffle my hair, hold my hand, put their hand on the back of my neck, smack me upside the head, cuddle me, nuzzle me. anyone. fucking anyone.

i�m a vampire, and it�s getting light outside. so i better get to bed.

{like it? yeah me either.}

#2---
art sucks
Being grounded from the internet has made me find things to keep me entertained. I made an art book using magazine pictures and my own artwork... I�ve started a comic, I�ve read a few Stephen King books. And I finally did something I totally loathe: I looked at pictures of myself. They�re mostly vacation pictures and things that my grandmother took. (she�s a total camera/pictures nut. it�s probably glued to her hand, she always has one on her)

While I�m anything but happy with my appearance, I still forced myself to look at these pictures. I grimaced, I grinned, and I realized something that I�ve never, ever thought of before: I might not be stunningly beautiful, with a model�s body, a perfect smile, and a lovely wardrobe.. but I�ve got personality. In a way, I really don�t want to be pretty with a perfect body.. maybe if was, I wouldn�t mind looking pictures at myself, but that�s just the thing. I�m afraid that if I change into who I want to be, I�ll be a vain person. I�ve seen it happen... people suddenly become more attractive, or thinner, and their personality just dries up into a shallow, princess-like demeanor. I don�t want to be that type of person...

I�d much rather find a person who loved me for my personality, other than to change myself in order to find them. I would rather just be myself and let everything else just.. happen.

But I need to eat healthier, sleep better, stop drinking carbonated beverages, exercise... don�t get me wrong. I want to be healthy.

In the introduction of Stephen King�s first Dark Tower book, he talks about how arrogantly ambitious he was at nineteen. He had so much drive to write, and tell a story, he was positive he�d be a famous author with hit books under his belt. That�s kind of the way I feel, even if I don�t show it. I�m always thinking of new things, and I�m addicted to that exciting taste of new story, the way it tastes so mysteriously sweet and promising. The way your mind races when you�re on a roll, and a plot suddenly bubbles and boils up from some imaginative geyser inside. The future is exciting. That�s just easy to see. I�m saving up money to buy a motorcycle. The idea of having a motorcycle for myself is exciting. The idea of starting a comic to sell at my highschool is exciting. Who will I meet? Will I fail or succeed? Will anyone buy my comic? Will it become a huge thing, will I have fans and people who truly appreciate my story? Will that be my springboard to a profession as an artist, or will I turn into a bum who lives in my parents basement and smokes cigarettes that aren�t mine? The future is incredibly exciting. And it�s also very scary, too. Failing is scary. But I�ve got to know. Curiosity, hope, pressure, and inspiration are the few things that drive me.

So I guess being grounded from the internet only inspired me even more. But I miss my friends like hell.

08:06 p.m.

pulled me out of heaven... / Sunday, July 6, 2003
"life's not a song.
life isn't bliss.
life is just this:
living.
you'll get along.
the pain that you feel
only can heal
by living."

so shut up.

03:36 a.m.

happeh fourth. / Friday, July 4, 2003
i just came back inside from watching the fireworks. our neighborhood is unlike most of the neighborhoods around us... we can set off fireworks ourselves. in any case, our family decided to be sneaky and didn't buy any fireworks, so we just sat out on lawn chairs and such and watched everyone else waste away hundreds of dollars in fireworks. X3;;

i came back inside because 1)the chair i was in, a camping chair, felt weird like it was gonna collapse @_@ i hate those chairs. and 2) i wasn't all that interested. they're pretty, yeah, but it just doesn't mean a whole lot to me.

i wish i would have gone somewhere with catie. hohum. i felt icky today, because i knew there would be parties and get-togethers, and i just want to be with someone i care about right now. i close friend i could just snuggle up against on our roof and just watch 'em pop in the sky.

bleh. that'll never happen.

i watched the Cowboy Bebop movie yesterday. Electra is hot -_- i wish she were a guy.

mom's twitching her whiskers o_O i better go. i think i'll go watch the Godfather again <3<3

---------Kira

10:11 p.m.

you talkin to me? / Tuesday, July 1, 2003
yo ho ho! a gathering! a gathering of my tenou/kira/wotever fics!

http://www.geocities.com/puppytsuzuki

06:22 p.m.

jerimah was a bullfrawg / Tuesday, July 1, 2003
because my mother is staying home this summer, we've had some interesting conversations.

me: *helping mother prepare green beans for canning*
mom: look, ashley!! :OO!! *has on goofy looking gloves*
me: o_o
mom: they can withstand up to 5000 degrees without melting! pretty cool, eh >D
me: yeah. when you're reaching into the flaming pits of hell to pull out your hotdog.

and while we're out eating chinese.

me: *looking at picture on wall of the Great Wall* why is one side of it solid and the other with the wedges at the top?
austin: so they can shoot arrows at intruders.
mom: no, it's so they can toss girl babies off the side.
me: O_O;; *bursts out laughing, looks around, hoping none of the chinese people there overheard* Oh my god, mom!!
mom: X33

i swear, my mother is the craziest person. where do you think i got my weirdness from? >P i love her to bits.

02:31 a.m.

stupid girl. / Monday, June 30, 2003
i don't think i can say sorry enough.

yesterday i figured out tanner's middle name [thanks to trina]. i felt smart. kinda..

i'm still sorry. =/

04:45 p.m.

gwak / Sunday, June 29, 2003
o_o

my stepdad is an asshole.

08:10 p.m.

hm. / Sunday, June 22, 2003
i love you. and that's wrong.

i get excited when your name gets online. i want to talk to you so bad that i don't. i hang on each and every word you say.

and that's wrong

stop apologizing, no one cares.

is that wrong?
GOODBYE CRUEL INTERNET~~~~~~

04:35 p.m.

happy thoughts!! / Saturday, June 21, 2003
people keep telling me to cheer up. think happy thoughts. bunnies! pink bunnies! pink bunnies eating ramen!!~~

thing is, is that i'm so disgustingly happy, a fake kind of happy, that i'm just ripping myself apart. i'm the only kid of my brothers and sister that didn't get fucked up at an early age. i don't deserve to be unhappy, goddamn it, because everyone else has had it shittier! i'm the one with the GOOD childhood.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! yes, that is me laughing off my problems. nevermind, i don't have any problems, THAT'S JUST ME BEING A SPOILED LITTLE GIRL~~~~~~~

hoi. so i did get online tonight. i wanted to talk to catie, because i felt lonely, and because she's the only one that really talks to me anymore, or at least makes an effort... and i feel terrible. i love you to death, catsby, but i hate doing stuff. i wanna sit around at home while i can, i don't wanna go over to houses and dress up and laugh and act stupid. i can do that at home.

GWAAAHHHHHHH SOMEONE SHOOT ME IN THE FOOT *runs off crying to watch season 1 of Six Feet Under on DVD*

----Kira

03:02 a.m.

Mo' Money Mo' Problems / Friday, June 20, 2003
I've got to get my permit. Goddamnit.

My mother and I went and got all the driving stuffs. I read most of the book, but reading about driving is so borrrinnnngggg *whine* I need to read it several times and have my mother test me :O i don't want to take the test more than once.

i'm gonna be so nervous when i take the driver's test, tho... i can just see trying to switch gears and turning on the windshield wipers instead X_X;

My mother decided to show me how her car works, since it will probably be mine. I got inside, and she was showing me the gears, and now the meter is just a little bit off, etc etc... and then she told me to put my foot on the brake, so I did. then shift the gear into reverse. so i did. then she said to let off the brake.

i did, and the car started rolling backwards into the driveway. i screamed at the top of my lungs and slammed on the brake, and started crying. -_- my mother was laughing at my reaction, while i sobbed, holding the wheel as tight as i could.

*listens to Mikey's "song"* Mikey sounds like the English voice actor for Vash O______o;; oh my god. *melt*

I'm tired. I'm going to bed. :O
--Ashi

03:46 a.m.

Tears In Heaven / Thursday, June 19, 2003
Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven.

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.

03:51 p.m.

:OO!! / Thursday, June 19, 2003
They're in love. They're gay. They're penguins... And they're not alone.

Gay penguins. I'm serious. It's a cute story, go looksee.

04:13 a.m.

Neo! / Wednesday, June 18, 2003

You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

08:41 p.m.

Sippin On Gin An' Juice / Wednesday, June 18, 2003
so i'm writing in my pathetic school blog, and no one ever comments.. maybe 1 or 2 if i beg for 'em >_>; and i say these words:

" i don't think anyone reads my blogs anymore, which is kind of disappointing, but kind of relieving too. i used to be so afraid to say anything, because all of a sudden everyone i knew was reading whiplash... now i can say what i want to say, and get it off my chest without worrying. hurray. "

..and i swear to god, 11 people comment. ...?! i finally say i'm relieved that no one reads it anymore, and what the crap?! oi..

and people start commenting, saying that "you have a friend in me". wot? no i don't.. you're not my friend. i like you, sure, but friend? lets not kid ourselves. i know most of them wouldn't even notice if i dropped off the surface of the earth without a single trace. but if it makes you feel better, go ahead and call yourself a friend.

gwah. there's something wrong with me. i don't care if i have friends -__-

i just wanna cuddle up in my bed with my bristol pad, a mechanical pencil, and a Sprite Remix, and just sulk.

and after all,
you're my wonderwall

--------------keewa

07:52 p.m.

Smile / Saturday, June 14, 2003
[revised.. i�ll add more someday.]

Kira Mizuno smiled at his 15 year old son Tori as he finished his homework on the living room floor. His hair was dark, and straight, and even if he was an adopted child, Kira couldn't help but see a resemblance of Tenou in Tori. His protective and loving ways, his serious face. Kira loved this child as if Tori was truly his son. He had grown up into a caring, smart, gentle but strong young man...

He sad cross-legged on the floor, books and papers scattered all around him, and wrote vigorously in the notebook in his lap. He quickly tapped some equations into his calculator, and then hunched over to scribble down the answer while he still remembered the numbers. His straight hair would fall foward, creating that funny little curtain. I thought this really fit his personality while he did his homework. "Do not disturb".

He finished quickly, heaved a huge sigh, and slapped his book closed. I watched from the recliner, an ice cream float in my hands.

"You know, Tori-kun, you don't have to rush through your homework so quickly.. I think it's affecting your health..."

He scoffed, putting the books and folders and notebooks in a stack, then standing up with them. I stood up as well and picked up his pencils and big eraser.

"I want to get it done as soon and as fast as I can."

He took his books to the kitchen, where his backpack sat on the counter. He unzipped his backpack and slid his books in, and took the pencils and eraser from my hand, tossing them in as well. He zipped it back up, and set it on the floor against the wall.

"Doesn't that defeat the purpose? How can you learn anything if you blast through your homework!"

He started walking towards the living room, and I followed him, licking at the ice cream.

"I remember all of it. Want me to recite all the equations in maths for you?"

"...No. I believe you." It's true. Tori has the most amazing memory. Numbers, addresses, names, places, everything.

He walked past the couch and opened the closet.

"What are you doing?"

"Vacuuming. I got eraser shavings all over the carpet."

I sighed. He's more adult than me, and I'm twice his age...

So I sat back down on the couch, with my legs under me so I wouldn't be in the way when he vacuumed. He rolled it out and unraveled the cord, plugging it into the wall. He flipped it on, and it began to make that annoying, shrieking, vacuum sound. Ugh. I cringed, and sipped at my root beer float again.

Mackey, our dog, jumped up on the couch with me. He's afraid of the vacuum.. if he's in another room, he doesn't feel safe unless he's with Tori or I. I pulled him into my lap, and stroked his head from his nose to between his ears.

The vacuum turned off, and I looked up at Tori. He hadn't been vacuuming long, and knowing Tori, if he's going to pull out the vacuum, he's the type that would just go ahead and vacuum the entire room.

"Dad.." he stood there for a moment, still holding the handle of the vacuum. He paused, like he was thinking really hard, running his thumb across the plastic.

�I like someone. A girl.� He looked at me, with concern written all over his face.

�Is that okay?�

I was shocked, but somewhat relieved. Is that all?

�Of course it�s okay! Why wouldn�t it be?�

He turned around, hands behind his back. It wasn�t that he looked ashamed; he just looked like he was ready for me to be disappointed.

�Well.. you and father.. I just didn�t know if it�s okay with you for me.. to like a girl..�

I stopped petting Mackey. Ah, now I understand..

�Tori. Whether it�s a man or woman you want to be with, I won�t love you any less. It�s your decision, not mine.. just because I chose a man doesn�t mean it�s what I want for you.� I smiled. He looked extremely relieved.

�Thank god..�

�So, is she cute? How tall is she? Do you melt whenever she smiles?�

�DAD!�

11:33 p.m.

lack thereof / Saturday, June 14, 2003
[-----extracted from another blog of mine]

A little girl, about 4, sits with her mother in a car, driving in the country of Missouri. She has a pad of yellow lined notebook paper, drawing and scribbling, turning the page to the next clean one when satisfied with the last. Her mother sits nervously, looking from the road to her daughter, eyes a little red and a lump in her throat.

"Daddy and I aren't.. going to be together anymore. It's called a divorce. We won't be.. be living with Daddy anymore."

She looked from the road to her child again, nervously switching back and forth for a response. The small girl goes silent, quietly setting down her pad of paper on her lap and gently placing the pen down. She turns to look out the window, watching the cows graze in the fields and the trees blast past her window in a blur.

"Ashley, are you alright?"

Emotionless eyes following the animals, the girl answers,

"I don't want to talk about it anymore."

~

i've always hidden everything inside. i really don't understand how i work. i throw people off, when i'm desperate to be cared about and desperate for someone who just understands. i want someone to hug and cuddle against, and i feel pathetic for it.

[------------------]

07:57 p.m.

meowr ?? / Saturday, June 7, 2003
[Ashley]
(Old English)

meaning:
One from the ash-tree meadow

motivation:
Aims to achieve their goals.

character:
Direct and to the point

feelings:
Needs to be needed

intelligence:
Self-reliant

spiritual:
Has an indominatable spirit

nature:
Has a fastidious personality

inherent:
You are a natural leader

http://www.namestusa.com/

02:21 p.m.

phew / Wednesday, June 4, 2003
yeep, i updated! here's the archive: tada!

mom's being a dope, gotta run. i'll update tomorra. Bai bai!

03:28 p.m.

 